My Off Week

Thursdays are my weigh in days. I knew my weight loss would be a little slower considering the harder week I had. WW gives you 35 flex points to use in addition to your regular daily points should you need them. I try never to use them because I feel it slows my weight loss (you eat more you lose less). Anyway, I needed them last week and so I used them. Not all of them, maybe I used about half. I was proud of myself though for having stayed in my points and keeping on top of things.

What I was not ready for was my results at the scale. My weight had stayed exactally the same. No gain, but no weight loss either. I was disappointed.

My husband was home that day and gave me a "day off". So I went out shopping to try and find something nice to wear on a dinner I was going to with a friend. Shopping added insult to injury as I was not able to find anything that looked halfway decent. I have nothing appropiate at home either so I felt desperate and disappointed and overly stressed. Somehow I managed to go out and still have a great time despite all of that or worrying about how I looked.

Dinner was hard. I tried to be mindful of points, but nights like these come so rare for me that I just wanted to enjoy it. I had my drinks and suspended point counting for the day (though I didn't gorge myself). The problem though, is not the occasional night out. It's that the occasional night out blends into the next day, the weekend and into the following week. THat's where I am now.

My in-laws took us out to dinner the next night (I know when it rains it pours!) Anyway I made progress there. I still didn't count points, BUT I drank water instead of soda, ordered salad (oil and vinegar on the side) instead of the pasta with my meal, limited my bread to one piece before the meal (normally I'd eat one basketful with butter!), and had tea instead of coffee laden with cream and sugar. So I made changes and practiced restraint which is commendable, though I still feel like I'm failing because I didn't follow the program accordingly. I also felt defeated in the sense that those changes are great, but it's not going to be enough to get this fat off my body.

The next day, my mom took the kids and me to see a play in the park. She always packs WW friendly snacks and drinks so we were set for the afternoon. However, she also cooked a wonder dinner that evening of pasta with a meat sauce. I tried to keep it under control (still not measuring and counting though). I drank water, but had one tiny sip of soda. The killer there was the double stuffed oreos. I only had 4, but it made me feel terrible to even have those after the weekend of enjoying myself.

No problem I said, the week is when things are easiest for me to stay in points and get on track. But it's Monday already. I have no plan, I didn't go grocery shopping and all we have in the house is the left overs from the weekends culinary escapades. I feel sad and nervous and stressed about a whole host of things. If money weren't an issue, I'd say whatever even though I wasn't on target, I still made some personal victories and just continue on my battle seeking the support of the meetings (I really like my group), get through the rest of the day and start again tomorrow.

But cost is a concern. Money is very tight for us and so I feel like I'm thowing money away if I'm not following it to a tee and showing a steady weight loss. I don't want to give it up though and unlike my attempts in the past (when I could afford the meetings no problem) I feel like the small victories I made at dinner are worthy, even if I'm not at the point where I am able to stay totally on program every week. It's about changing a mindset and that takes time right? Still when every penny matters we don't always have the luxury of time.

My New Hair Cut

I don't know how I forgot to post about this.

Before I began my WW journey, I made a conscious decision to start getting myself back together. I started letting myself go before I had kids, but having the kids made it easier for me to have an excuse. An excuse for not taking care to at least put myself together nicely. All because I'm overweight doesn't mean I can't make myself look the best I could.

I had always toyed with the decision to cut my hair short, but always stopped at shoulder length when I went in for a cut. My hair, as of late, has changed dramatically from the long lush locks I had as a younger person. It's been thinning over the years (I'm told it's falling out from stress), and tends to become brittle and stringy. So when left long, my hair looked terrible. And I'm really not too skilled in the art of hair care which just made matters worse.

Anyway, I decided that I was tired of being dumpy. There are plenty of beauiful overweight people and there was no reason I couldn't be the same. It's not like things would change once I lost the weight. There are plenty of dumpy looking thin people to prove that point. I wasn't sure where to start though. Obiviously I couldn't run out and just buy myself a new wardrobe, but I did start with two new tops and a pair of jeans. So on days I have to leave the house, I at least have *someting* that's flattering for my shape and youthful (but still age appropriate!). As I hit my goals most of my rewards will be new clothing to accomodate my new shape.

What I could do right away, though, is get that haircut I was always threatening to get. I went out and bought a ton of hairstyle magazines and was pleased to see that the good old bob was pretty popular these days with lots of variations to choose from! I found a picture, went to a real hair salon and had the stylist chop off my hair!

I felt like a new person after that. I felt like Felicity (anyone remember that show?) when she cut all her hair off in the final episode one season (though I like my cut way better!) It was a physical change for sure, but it was just as much of a symbolic gesture to mark the change in mindset I had for myself. And I've noticed a change too. I like my new hair. I learned how to style it. I have more of an interest in making myself presentable before jetting out of the house to chauffer the kids to whereever they need to be. I feel better about myself and more confident in my decisions. I feel like I sparked the thin, confident girl within and now I am eager to bring her forth.

My Second Week

Here's where I need to silence the self defeating voice in my head. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. Excellent right? I had set my goal for between the 3-4 pound mark and am a little dissapointed that I didn't make it. Though, that disappointment is less than it would have been in the past and here's why:

I learned a lot this week. At least for me, it's not enough to just cut the number of calories I'm eating. The types of food I eat have a big impact on my results. Last week I included more fruits and veggies and had more protein based than carbed based breakfasts. This week, I stayed in points but went heavy on carbs. I know I lose less weight when I do that, and it showed this week. It also gave me severe heartburn. I love carbs, but they are hard on my body and slow my weight loss. Unless I eat good carbs balanced with protein, healthy fats and veggies.

I think I slacked a bit on my water intake too. I generally don't drink anything other than water or tea, but this week I didn't drink as much water in between meals to keep myself as hydrated. I know from the past, when I stop drinking the water my weight loss tends to slow.

Timing was another issue. Last week I ate more balanced meals throughout the day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner...all were eaten pretty close to regular meal times, with a snack between each meal. This week I got into the hoarding mentality, so that I could have my bigger carb treat for dinner or dessert. What I did was skimp on my points throughout the days, so that I wasn't eating regular meals or snacks, and end up with an abundance of points in the evening. The funny part is that I usualy ended up with more points than I needed, so a couple of days I didn't even use all my points. That's not good either. Not eating enough can slow your weight loss progress as well.

Last big issue was exercising. Last week I walked for a mere 10 minutes on most days. This week I didn't walk at all. My body is very responsive to exercise (at least it has been in the past) so I feel that my lack of even just that 10 minute walk made a difference. This week I commit myself to walking again.

So on one hand I was dissapointed because I felt like if I had done the things I knew I should have been doing, I could have hit that 3-4 pound mark. Yet, on the other hand, this whole thing is a learning experience. I am becoming aware of what works for me and what will impede my success. Plus, I needed carbs this week, so if I have to take a slower weight loss and feed my need so that I can stay the course, well how can I really be disappointed in that? I am pleased with my results, and I know what I can work on now for next week.

My Life on Points

Okay so it hasn't even been 2 full weeks yet, but things feel completely different this time around. My attitude has definitely shifted from, "this is something I need to do to get thin" (subtext: I am being punished for being fat), to "this is something I am CHOOSING to do for myself" (subtext: even though it does get rough, I am happy to make better choices for myself because it makes me feel good). That shift didn't come easy though. A lot of soul searching and binge episodes were required to get me to that point.

So far I have been able to fit WW in to my life easily. I even had dinner with my in-laws this weekend without having to alert them that I was counting points again and obsess over what was being served. I haven't told anyone except my husband that I was doing this again...(well...and you guys!). I didn't tell anyone. Not so much because I was afraid I was going to fail. Okay, Perhaps a little bit of it had to do with that. But more so because I feel that this time I am finally doing this for myself. I want this. I'm doing it only to get myself what I want, not because I know that everyone else is thinking I should be doing this. I'm done trying to prove myself or please the rest of the world. This time it's for me.

I feel more comfortable doing it this time, though I've been protected by the sanctity of my own house and cooking for most of it. Next month with family celebrations, holidays, and a weekend out with friends will put me to the test. I have to say that I have been able to be flexible this time which has allowed me to stay on course properly.

This weekend while I was out with my kids we stopped for some pizza. I was a little nervous even though I had enough points to have a slice. Something awesome happened during that lunch though. I ran out of water but really needed a drink. I had been avoiding having a sip of the girls' iced tea because I would rather eat my points than drink them. Anyway, I needed something to wash down my last bit of pizza so I took a small sip and almost had to spit it out because it was way too sweet!! It was a natural iced tea sweetened with real cane sugar, so not even one of those super sweet high fructose corn syrup laden drinks. I was happily in disbelief as I took another sip and had the same reaction. Normally I would have downed a whole bottle for myself, and now here I am pushing away after two small sips! Now if only I could have that same reaction towards cake!!!

My First Weigh In

So this morning was the moment of thruth: my first weigh in! I knew I had lost weight because I could feel it. My personal goal was to hit the 5 pound mark. Given my WW history I have always had a big loss the first week (though I'm guessing about half of that is really water weight). The receptionist who weighed me did a double take when she looked at the reading, but didn't tell me what the number was. I assumed by her reaction that it was a good one, but I almost fell over when she told me that I was down 6 pounds!!! Crazy! I lost 6 pounds my first week!

The trend is that I'll still lose a little extra the second week but not as much as the first. I'm not sure if setting my second week goal to be 4 is too high. It would be nice to have a 10 pound head start under my belt after only two weeks, that will have erased the damage I did to myself the past couple months. So this week I am shooting for 4 pounds. After that my goal will be the suggested 2 per week.

My First Few Days

I've made it through four and a half days already even though I didn't have a full menu planned out and my kitchen fully stocked like I originally intended. I'm the kind of person who throws in the towel the minute things don't go as planned so that was a big deal for me.

The first day was a little rough. I was hungry and still just wanted something to chew, crunch or whatever. I got past it though. I didn't want to screw up my first day. Those urges got less and less the next couple days. I still feel uncomfortable in those times when I would eat to calm myself or just to feel better, but at least I could recognize those times for what they are and hopefully learn better ways to handle them. My ability to stay in points so far is boosting my confidence.

All the food I've prepared for myself has been delicious thus far(I have a TON of WW cookbooks to help with recipes and ideas). The tactic that has proven to be most useful though, is forcing myself to eat slowly. Taking small bites and throughly chewing, putting my food (or fork) down between bites to drink or talk to my family, that's what's been helping me to feel less deprived during and after meals. My impulse is to shove as much stuff into my mouth as I can, and so by forcing myself to eat slowly I am eating less and giving my body time to feel full.

I also got over another perfectionist issue this week. In the past I would be meticulous about weighing and measuring so that I can calculate exact point values. When I'm home and have the luxury of my food scale and measuring cups that's not so much an issue. When I go out though I would have to estimate not only how much of what I ate, but what I thought an appropriate point value would be. This issue has led to my demise in the past. If I can't be exact I can't deal with counting. I was able to resonably estimate a meal and still feel like I was being true to the program. That was a huge victory.

So I am happy so far with my progress, but I can see how this is a battle that needs to be taken one day at a time. Or rather one meal at a time!

My Weight Watchers Journey

I decided it was time to bite the bullet and seek some professional help!

I knew that I would eventually go back to Weight Watchers one day, but I needed to wait until I was mentally ready to commit to it again. My faith is strong in the program itself. Any time I have followed it in the past, the weight melted off my body rather readily. It teaches you how to eat real food in real life situations. It promotes healthy natural foods (although they do offer prepared foods for those who like that route) and activity. They even address the mental and emotional roadblocks that derail us from our success and how to stay positive.

All common sense things right. I know I should know how to do that all on my own, but there's something about the support of the other people in the meetings, and the motivation the leader provides (if you find a good meeting group which I believe I did!) and the accountability of having someone else measure my progress (I have a hard time keeping myself honest) that makes it all worth it for me.

Part of me is nervous. I am a WW veteran, having tried the program numerous times throughout my life. As I said the program itself is something I can really stand behind, it's myself that I'm less sure of. The last time I did the program was when I started almost 2 years ago. I lost 25 pounds then fell off the wagon (pretty hard I might add). I lasted only 3 months.

That was the time I joined with my mother. She kept going even after I stopped. In a little over a year's time, she lost over 120 pounds and hit her goal. She is now a lifetime memeber, still going to meetings and still keeping the weight off. Like me she had done WW numerous times throughout her life with a certain level of success each time before fizzling out. I want this to be the time where I can make it click for me and keep going the way she did. The last time I tried, I was so determined that time would be my success story. This time I want it to be, but I have the fear that it will end like all the other times did. It's disturbing me that I'm going into this with my self confidence so low, though I suppose it's good that I'm at least doing something.

My Elderly Neighbors

Where I live, there is a large population of senior citizens. It's nice because they keep an eye on things in the neighborhood and the place doesn't seem desolate during "normal" work hours. I like to keep my kitchen blinds open during the day to let the sun in and there's a certain comfort in seeing the regulars do their daily walks around the block.

Then it dawned on me. My senior citizen neighbors are more active than me!!! They are out there every day, some of them twice a day. Most power walk, some just stroll and others take their pets out for their daily walks. When I realized that these people who are mostly twice my age are 100% more active than I am on a daily basis, I have to say it really made me feel terrible. It's inspiring to see them out there doing their thing, but how can I honestly expect to be active like that in my older years, if I can't even do it now? Talk about putting things into perspective!

My Next Decision

My success came to a screeching halt this week. There's been a family issue that unexpectedly took up a lot of my time, however at this point even I know that that's just an excuse. I could have squeezed in a 20 minute walk if it were on my priority list, and yet I have not even 1 sticker on my chart this week. I am infamous for self sabotaging.

Even if I had been getting stickers though, my eating is still very out of control. I managed to eat breakfast everyday, but I'm still binging in the afternoons and evenings. So even though I've worked out more in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months, I still gained weight. Gosh I must have gained 10 pounds in the last month alone.

So after weeks of soul searching and trying a gentle approach, I realize I need more structre if I am going to have any kind of success. I decided that I'm ready to once again join Weight Watchers. The plan works for me. Whenever I follow it I lose weight and I feel that I am determined enough now to follow through with it. I am starting to see that watching what I eat is not a punishment for being fat. I am at a point where I want to stop abusing myself with food, and learn how to nuture myself and start feeling good. I think I am ready for that.

My meetings wouldn't start until next week, so I will be trying to mentally prepare until then. I intend to clear out the garbage from my house and stock it with WW friendly foods and snacks (I am very familiar with the plan, being a WW veteran and all). I will continue to keep a sticker chart for my workout progress, as moving is essential to the WW program.

So, I had another huge set back. But in this learning curve of life I've taken the lesson from it I think I needed to and will hopefully let it propell me onto a better path.

My Second Week

Sucess is such a relative thing!

This week I have two squares on my chart staring back at me with no stickers. So in that sense, I suppose I did worse this week (though I was sick one of the days). Still it was much easier this week to keep going despite my missed work outs. The compulsion to view myself as a failure was not as strong and so I was able to continue through a setback. In that sense I was far more successful.

I will continue this last week with the same 7 day goal I originally set. Though next week when I reset my goals for the next 3 week period, I think I will make some adjustments so that the goal is a little more reasonable, but still increase my level of activity.

I have been 100% with my goal of eating breakfast everyday though and so I am very proud of that. Even the day I was sick and unable to keep things in, I made sure to at least have a glass of orange juice with pulp in the morning. A habit is definitely being formed and I believe I can continue to build on this progress. My next food goal will be to aim for preparing a proper dinner at least during week nights, so that I am eating a regular breakfast at breakfast time, and a regular dinner at dinner time (as opposed to the constant grazing I do all day now). I am going to take the stress of finding highly healthful recipes off me for night now and just concentrate on making dinner every night. I figure once I get my eating patterns reset, then I can tweak it with the more healthful goals (not that I'm striving to cook unhealthy stuff now).

So week 2 not so bad!

My Bad Behavior

Well friends, I feel like I am winning the battle but losing the war. I have been faithful to my sticker chart which is tremendous progress for me. Today was really great. After I dropped my oldest at school I did my walk outside in this beautiful weather while pushing my 2 year old in the stroller. Holy cow what a difference a little resistence and some hills make! I felt good though, and very happy to be outside. It might be easier to track my progress on the treadmill, but my basement is much less scenic and there's just a little less pleasure when you're doing all that walking, but you never get to go anywhere!

However, I have been highly stressed out lately. Some of it just regular life with two kids stuff (my oldest is testing her limits these days and my youngest decided she doesn't like to go to sleep when it's bedtime), but there's more to the stress, a certain kind of urgency that I have yet to pinpoint the source of. So my hair is fallig out and I've been stuffing myself with food. Even if I do well getting through a day, I tend to fall apart at night.

I'm not quite as hungry during the days since I started eating breakfast, but my eating obvisiously ignores all hunger/fullness signals. Fast food is my biggest vice and all it took was one taste of it before I fell into all out junkie mode. Let me paint you a picture....

My youngest is sick and very cranky. My husband gets home a little late. When he gets in I offer to take my oldest out (she's been getting nuts from hearing the little one complain all day). Of course we stop for a quick bite to eat since there was no formal dinner that night. My daughter eats 1 quarter of the personal pizza from Pizza Hut express and is more interested in the icee it came with (she snacked before we left the house). I, on the other hand, inhale the rest of the pizza. We make it home and my husband asked if we brought back any food. I offer to run out and get him whatever he wanted. He's been trying to eat healtheir these days, but tonight he requested The Baconator from Wendy's. Of course I couldn't go there and not get myself a little something, so even though I was full I ate another cheeseburger and a side of chicken nuggets. I was disguested with myself. I considered using my old behaviors to rid myself of the garbage I ate, but I held strong and forced myself through my workout that evening.

One taste of a fast food hamburger and that was it for me though. I wanted more. I NEEDED more. It's the end of the payweek though and so I had only 2 dollars left in my wallet. So what do I do? I STOLE some cash from the drawer I've been socking extra money away for a special trip we are taking the kids on this month. I had put an extra $5 in there recently to put towards gas and now I was sneaking it out of the drawer while my husband was playing with the kids and making a secret run to Wendy's on my way to return a movie. I can't even explain the shame I felt when it was all said and done. That night, after about a year and a half of staying strong, I finally succumbed to the urge of using my old behaviors to try to undo what I had just done.

So here I sit this morning, proud of myself as I add the newest sticker to my chart this morning, but really I just feel like it's all just a lost cause.

Big Mac Attack

Who could resist those two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun???

Man Obsessed With Big Macs

My Imperfect Perfection

Okay so today marks the end of my first week. Did I earn my reward?
No, BUT here's the breakdown:

Breakfast was eaten every morning so I was successful on that front. I have to say that making myself eat breakfast did help control some erratic eating patterns throughout the day. I find that I do not crave typical breakfast foods which are carbohydrate based in the morning though, I crave more protien rich foods (just wondering how good it is to eat eggs so often, anyone have a good suggestion for non egg based protien rich breakfasts?) The protien rich breakfasts also help me to feel more energetic and fuller longer.

Working out was not a failure, although my "all or nothing" mindset is having a hard time accepting that. I worked out for 20 mintues everyday except Sunday. Now, I have lots of legimate reasons why I did not do 20 minutes on Sunday, but I'm not sure they really even matter. The bigger point is am I going to let that one day cancel out my efforts and ruin the rest of my plan?

If I can make it through the remaining 2 weeks with only that 1 missed day, that will be quite an accomplishment. I am right back on the horse today with working out again, but when I look at my chart all I see is that one square with no sticker in it. I have to start retraining myself to be proud of all the stickers I did earn and use that empty sqare as a motivator to work harder, not as a means for reminding myself that I wasn't perfect which will in turn lead me to quit (since I can't do it anyway).

A wise poster once told me that I should strive for improvement not perfection. Excellent advice, let's see if I can do it!

My First 20 Minutes

I did not want to do my 20 minutes of activity yesterday. I was (still am) exhausted due to the fact that my kids have not yet adjusted to going to bed earlier even though we have to be up and out earlier in the mornings. I know we'll adjust but the first week is brutal in that respect. We did our family walk after dinner, but I don't count that as my activity. It was 8:30 after we put them to bed (almost 10 until they actually fell asleep) and I just didn't feel like doing my own activity....but I did!! YAY ME!

I have to say that the only reason I did it was because of that silly chart. I have 20 minutes of activity as something I need to do on an everyday basis, so I did not want to mess it up on my very first day. So I dragged myself over to the treadmill and pushed myself through 20 minutes of walking. It was tough, mentally. The treadmill is pretty boring, but I did it and it felt good. I know I will do it today because getting over that first hump was pretty motivating. Hopefully it gets easier.

My Sticker Chart

So the long weekend is over, school officially started and I am ready to get myself moving...literally.

To movitvate myself, I took a lesson from my 4 year old and made myself a sticker chart. My daughter has already taken charge of monitoring my progress and is sweet enough to share her stickers with me for days that I do well!

The goal is to do 20 minutes of activity every day for the next three weeks. Each week I sucessfully complete I will earn a reward (which I will put up on my sidebar somewhere once I figure them out!). The weeks need to be consecutive in order for me to earn the reward for weeks 2 and 3, otherwise I start the count back as week one.

I am also using the chart to monitor my first food goal. My goal for that is simply to eat breakfast every day. Something I have a very hard time with. I figure, start small and build from there.

The goals are simple and basic, yet have been too much for me to master until now. I realize that in order to reach that big picture, I need to start with baby steps and build on them once as I master each one. I chose 3 weeks as my initial starting point because I read somewhere that it takes 3 weeks of continually doing something before it starts to become habit. As each behavior becomes habitual, I can then start to add on. The chart worked like a charm for my daughter, so why not try it for me!! I need to have a place where I can physically see my progress and be accountable!

How do you all keep yourself accountable???

My Dysmorphic View

Body dysmorphia is something I've only associated with skinny people who see themselves as fat. I mean fat people know they're fat right?

The short answer to that might be yes, however I think a fair amount of overweight people (me included) tend to be in denial regarding just how much weight we've gained or exactally what we look like. I mean, raise your hand if you too are successful at avoiding mirrors! It's not until we are forced to look at ourselves in pictures (which a good many of us also try to avoid being in) that we seem to be shocked when we see what we really look like or how big we've really gotten. By the way, I developed those pics my friend took from My Turning Point post this week. They were hard to look at.

I've seen these cool virtual models on a number of people's blogs. I thought it would be fun to make one for myself. When I made my model according to my measurements I didn't think she looked fat enough. The model I have on my side bar is 9 pounds heavier then I really am....because that's what I think I really look like (and also because I mistook my actual weight). I'm pretty sure that after my pregnancies, my weight redistributed itself and so now it all sits in front of me as if I were still pregnant. Does that make me perceive myself as fatter than I really am? And if that's the case, why am I consistently shocked when I see how big I am when I look at myself in a picture??

The model at my goal though, well technically she's a little under where I think I would make my goal weight, doesn't look as thin as I think she should look. Now I was that weight once, back in HS, and of course I thought I was fat (crazy right!) Anyway it made me think about how morphed my view of thin is. We did a unit on fitness in health class that year and I measured 11% body fat. Yet I thought I was fat. A good part of that was do to the fact that I didn't have a completely flat belly like the other "skinny" girls. I always had a little curve, or pouch or whatever you want to call it and I thought it made me look fat. Little did I know how fat I would eventually get!

So obiviously I have a very dysmorphic view of my body whether I'm fat or skinny. No matter what weight I'm at, I still feel as though I'm looking at myself through one of those fun house mirrors.

My Clean House

One of the biggest obstacles I face as a SAHM is the lack of structure in a day. If I'm not required or obliged to be somewhere or doing something, I find it very easy to ignore any structure I set for myself. For that reason, I am eagerly awaiting the start of school next week. Three mornings out of the week we will have to be up, fed, dressed and out the door by a certain time every day. Sure I can still come back home with my youngest one and loaf after we drop her sister off, but once I'm dressed for the day I feel less compelled to do that.

So in the spirit of gearing up for our new routine, I'm spending this week getting myself mentally prepared for things. First order of business is to clean up the house and start organizing some things. I am the type of person that can not operate efficiently if my surroundings are in chaos. Cleaning the house gives me the emotional clarity I need to start a task. Likewise the first thing that I start slacking on when I am having trouble staying on target is keeping my house in order! So a weekly maintenance plan will be worked into the routine!

I've also been reevaluating my goals and motives. Last night I was trying to set up a list of rewards for myself and could you believe I had trouble. I am going to really spell out what it is I want to achieve and what steps I need to take to get started. I need to see that big picture, but then I need to shift my focus to the little things that I have in my immediate control. I need an organized plan of attack. That will help me see my progress and hopefully keep me on course.

So here's to a week of cleaning, organizing and getting ready to once again fight the battle!

My Return to Order

Back to the daily grind!

Vacation was exhaustingly fun, as vacation with young kids usually is. All diet and exercise bets were off this week, though some of our activities required a lot more movement than I would have done at home! I really just wanted to give myself an emotional vacation from eating/body issues though and I feel it was a great boost.

I am ready to get myself on some kind of track. I realize that if I keep focusing on the big picture I will forget about all the babysteps that are required to get me there and thus set myself up for failure (as usual). I have a plan that I am going to set into action. It focuses on making small changes and building on those as I master each one.

As the week unfolds I will share my plan and goals and such (I'm still perfecting some details). It is good to be home and refreshed though, and feel like I can tackle what lies ahead for me!

My Vacation

Sorry for the lack of posting, commenting, etc.

My husband is on VACATION!!! It is much needed and we've been making the most of it. I am gearing myself up for a fresh start in September and will be back to my regular posting some time next week when we get back to the daily grind!

My Glimpse of the Future

My youngest baby is now 2, yet I still have people (me included) who will blame my weight on having kids. There are plenty of people who have had way more kids than me and they aren't fat. I was getting fat before I had kids, and I've had plenty of time to lose my "baby weight". At some point baby weight just becomes weight that needs to be lost. I believe I have reached that status.

My weight has increased steadily for the past decade. I realize that it will continue to increase with each year as my metabolism slows and my fat ass moves around less and less(boy do I wish I could parlay that into some extra height). Basically if I continue wallowing in my self pity and complaining that it's too hard to make a change, I can expect to be pushing 200 (or more) by the time I've reached my 40's and possibly 300 by the time I'm in my 50's (and believe me I know how real this is...my mother followed this very trend).

So I'd be fooling myself if I thought I would just be THIS weight for the rest of my life if I didn't do anything. Even if that were the case I'd still be miserable. But the reality is each year that goes by our bodies and metabolism become less and less efficient so we will gain weight just because of this (unless we do something to fight it).

I can see my future and cringe at the thought...and yet all it does is make me want to hide under the blankets with a bag of chips =(

My Weekend Wake Up

Hello, my name is Smushpants and I am a sugar addict!

If you ever want to read about how food affects your brain chemistry pick up the book Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. You could also check out the Radiant Recovery link on my link list to find out about sugar addiction and what her program is all about.

Now on to my weekend. Saturday night I hung out with a good friend of mine from college. She had some other friends visiting which made for a nice little gathering. Good people, nice conversation and of course lots of snackable type things. You would have thought they put crack out on the plates though because I don't think I went more than 5 minutes without stuffing something in my mouth the whole 5 hours I was there.

The conversation at one point focued on food and one of the other guests said something along the lines of "Life is too short to not enjoy the things I like. I'd rather be happy and eat what I want than feel deprived and but live a longer life." Now I completely understand this philosophy, really I do. But it made me realize something about myself.

I am not like her or any "normal" person. I abuse myself with food. Yes I use it as comfort, but I am realizing that I also use it as a means of punishment. I am addicted, so having that one bite of my favorite pleasure is not going to satisfy my desire for it as it might for someone who doesn't have this problem. For me, it's going to make me crave more. More I will eat, but never will I feel satisified, though I will surely feel guilt, shame and physical discomfort (that's where the punishment aspect comes in to play). For me, allowing myself to have that treat is like telling an alcoholic it's okay to have 1 glass of beer or wine at the party because life is too short not to have fun.

Food for me is really a false pleasure anyway. The hours of bad emotions and belly aching I will endure for allowing myself to "have fun" will not be worth the 2 seconds of pleasure I felt when inhaling whatever it was that I was after. A normal person might view an all or nothing approach for certain foods as severe, but I know myself and realize that I am not like "normal" people. It's what I'm going to need to do if I want to make a real change in myself.

My Health Report

I got the lab results back from my physical a few weeks ago. Apparantly I am "healthy". Here was my breakdown:

Cholesterol was 141
LDL (Bad Cholesterol) was 83
HDL (Good Cholesterol) was 43
Tryglycerides 77
Blood Sugar 93

Good was checked next to cholesterol overall, I guess because my number was less than 200. Technically speaking,though, my good cholesterol is on the low side (less than 50 mg/dL for women is considered low according to the American Heart Association and to be considered "protective against heart disease" it should really be above 60).

The ratio between overall cholesterol to HDL is even more important than the overall number alone. The smaller the difference the better according to The Harvard Medical School Family Guide. My ratio is 3.3 so I am at about half the average risk going by just my numbers alone. Which is good, I am happy to see that.

Still I am not content to sit back, kick my feet up and think I don't have to work at my health. Emotional health (I believe) has a profound impact on your physical health. So even if my weight did nothing more than make me depressed, it's reason enough to do something about it.

However, I do realize that there is more going on with my weight than the fact that it makes me sad. I am winded by small amounts of normal behavior, I'm tired a LOT, playing with my children totally wipes me out to the point that I feel I hold them back from the proper amount of activity they should be having, my knees hurt...all due to my weight. That to me isn't the sign of a healthy person. And I'm not so naieve to believe that all because my genetics may be on my side as far as my cholesterol goes, that my weight does not pose an additional risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes. One risk does not get nullified by another. Weight is still a risk factor.

So yes, I've got a clean bill of health. But health is not something that just happens to us. My blood sugar and cholesterol may be okay now, but if I take that as a free pass to neglect watching myself it might not be that way next year (or however long it takes to catch up). We have the power to improve or degrade our health by how we live our lives, and so I will continue to work on mine even though my numbers came back as "normal". I have enough excuses to keep me from taking care of myself, I'm not going to use good test scores as another one.

My Former Fat Girl Review

I was finally able to finish my book Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney. It was as awesome as my first impression thought it would be!

The book is her personal journey to becoming a Former Fat Girl. It was a journey of discovery and self realization. One that took years to make and started with a simple desire to do something good for herself. Over time it took her to a place she never dreamed she'd end up both physically and emotionally. It was inspiring.

She tells it like it is. Nothing is sugar coated, though she is very candid and totally makes you feel like you can do anything you want to. She gives tips and advice on how to handle certain situations along the way which seem solid. She even coaches you on what to do after you've acheived your "Former Fat Girl" status.

What I liked so much about this book is that it wasn't a diet/exercise plan. We all know the formula to losing weight...eat less calories than you burn. We know what foods are healthy and that exercise does great things for our bodies. She gets that we already know that because she was once the same way. What she addresses is the emotional aspect of the process. And if you think about it, that's what really holds a lot of us back. The belief that we are too weak to make a change, that our bodies were just meant to be fat, that we will eventually fall off the wagon like we always do anyway. Losing weight, at least for me, is more about what's going on in my head than it is about knowing how to eat. She made me feel like I can overcome the years (okay decades) of negative thinking and misuse of food as long as I believed I was worth working for.

So I highly recommend this book to anyone who can use an emotional pep talk! The changes she made not only helped her to lose weight, but also helped her in her career and personal life as well because they enabled her to become the self confident, happy, outgoing girl she always wanted to be. And that's really what I'm after!

My inner voices

One symptom of those with eating disorders is low self esteem. I am no stranger to this. I may hide it well sometimes,even to myself, but in reality I think very little of myself and my abilities.

Way before I ever became a "fat girl" I had a fat girl mentality. I put everyone's needs above my own, I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the cheerleader for everyone else, but never once expected any of this in return. My interests included helping others attain their goals while I let mine fall by the wayside. I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it so I suffered silently thinking everyone else's issues were more important than my own and wrote bad poetry to soothe myself. It was around this time of my life that I became bulimic.

This whole frame of mind got worse as I got older. When I made it to college, I had a chance to start fresh and find myself. Instead, I clung for dear life to old habits and lost myself even more. Instead of developing my own personality and interests, I latched on to my boyfriend and became an extension of his.

I forced myself to stay safely in an emotional cocoon by shutting myself off to anything beyond my boyfriend and handful of close friends. I was terrified of becoming my own person. What if I did something stupid, or no one liked me, or worse, I failed. My thoughts were, if there was even a remote chance I would fail at something I shouldn't bother trying.

It was less scary to watch life from the sidelines instead of living it like everyone else, but it was not nearly as fulfilling. I was sad and angry at myself for being this way and so I started eating to avoid dealing with those emotions. Only this time I stopped purging due to my boyfriend's concerns for my health (he was the first person I'd confided in about my eating). That's when I started getting fat. Eating not only dulled the emotions but also built a physical wall which I was able to use as an excuse to hide. I can't do ____ I'm fat! No one wants to be friends with you...or so the voices in my head would remind me.

I eventually married that boyfriend even though deep down I couldn't understand why he really wanted to be with me. He has been a continual souce of positive energy in my life and proved himself to be the best husband and father anyone can ask for. I am grateful, and yet feel like I don't deserve him.

It wasn't until I had kids though, that I was forced to dig deep inside myself. It's totally cliche, but they really do make me want to be a better person. Becoming a mother, especially for the first time, is HARD! It's scary, exhausting, emotional and if you don't do a good job the consequences are so tremendous. Yet, not only did I take that responsibility on, I also took on the role of supporter for other first time parents dealing with some hard times. Again other people's needs before my own (still didn't know how to ask for help myself) and yes helping them deal with their issues kept me from focusing on my own, but this time the outcome was a little different. Becoming a parent was without a doubt the single most important and difficult task I had ever undertaken. But I did it, and I did it well! I started to realize that even though something was hard, I was able to do it.

No one goes into parenthood realizing the awesome responsibility it holds. Even the most prepared people don't really understand just how it's going to affect them until they experience it (I thought I had it all figured out until I was put to the test!). It's probably a good thing that I had no idea otherwise I might not have thought I was able to handle such a responsibility. Not having the option to quit when things got hard made me realize that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, even if do struggle along the way.

So while the experience has been eye opening, one doesn't simply throw old habits to the wind. I am learning that I have more potential than I thought. It's still scary and difficult, but I'm also learning that some things are worth the risk and effort. But, the biggest thing that I've learned is that the only difference between me and the women who are successful in what they do is that they believe in themselves and that they deserve to be happy.

My husband always told me that when I was really set on doing something I always managed to make it happen. I suppose I just have reprogram the voice in my head to say, "it's hard, but you can do this" and "sure you're fat, but your health and happieness are still worth working for".

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
-Anias Nin

Fat Princess

Okay everyone, time to get a little controversial!

I logged onto my computer this morning and saw this article staring me in the face. I thought it would make a good discussion topic!

So, do YOU think that Sony crossed a line with this? Here's what I think.

While I think there are better games Sony could have created, I am not personally offended by this video game just because I am a fat person. In fact, my first reaction was to chuckle to myself a bit. I mean if you stuff yourself with cake you are going to become tired, fat and hard to move! But then I am a person who is able to (or at the very least is learning to) poke a little fun at myself and life.

There are two ways someone can look at this silly game. On one hand, it could be taken as an attack against fat people and a means of "creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative ---holes" (though I wonder if these feminist groups would have gotten as upset if the character were a Fat King? After all fat hating is fat hating weather it's man or woman right?) Or, one can look at it as a humorous way of raising awareness of one of our country's biggest problems (yes pun intended). Sometimes a stupid depiction of something can make us realize that while we might not like it, a change in how we live our lives is necessary.

I mean hell, if I find myself stuck in the kitchen eating a whole cake (which I've been known to do) I know I'll gain weight and won't be able to run after my little minions as well as I should be able to! And you never know, it might make the couch potato kid playing this game think twice about his or her food choices. Maybe it will motivate him or her to put down the sweets and go outside to play so they don't end up becoming a "fat princess" themselves. Coming from a parent, "No cake, go out and play," would sound like a nag. Even worse is the growing number of parents that don't even bother teaching their kids about health or nutrition because they don't want to have to change their own unhealthy habits. But what if a game like this actually helps some kids to make a connection for themselves via a medium they relate to? That could end up sending a powerful, and in that case positive message.

And from a feminist standpoint, I'd think they'd be more upset by the fact that they are using the princess as the flag or prize to be captured than they would be about her being fat. You eat a ton of cake you get fat, that's fact. But isn't it worse to imply that women are trophies to be captured?

So what do you think? Are you offended? Not offended? Think it's funny, mean or just plain stupid? I'd love to know what you guys think.

My Big Old Rut

This week has been a particularly hard one as far as eating is concerned. And it's not like I had any major stressors hanging over my head. Not any that I'm aware of anyway.

In fact, it was quite the opposite. We had some fun stuff to do this week which always perks me up (staying home all day everyday with the kids can be tough at times). We got some wonderful news from my SIL (I'm going to be an aunt!). It was a pretty pressure free, happy week.

My weekend was just as great. I spent it getting some much needed time to socialize. With that socialization though came three days of binge worthy food. LOTS of binge worthy food. And boy did I dive in. I was so stuffed and physically uncomfortable by Sunday night that I was actually turned off to the thought of food (quite a rare thing for me!).

Then this morning came. My intention was to start fresh. I was hungry. I didn't crave the healthy organic oatmeal and blueberries that I had made for the kids and was supposed to eat myself. I wanted a hotdog and some cake...you'd think I'd be sick of that stuff already. I'm sick of craving this stuff. I wish there was a switch I could flick and shut of my desire for certain foods.

Do you ever get to a point where you stop craving the bad stuff? I mean after you've managed to get yourself at a place where eating is under control and the weight comes off? Do you still have to battle every day weather or not to eat that hot dog? Right now I feel so weak.

Binge Eater vs Compulsive Overeater??

Okay, I've been a little unclear as far as the differences of Binge Eating Disorder verses Compulsive Overeating Disorder. So I started doing some research on the two and came up with this article from Psychology Today.

According to this, Binge eaters and Compulsive Overeaters are one in the same. Here's where my confusion set it. I generally don't have binges as often as they say (1-2 times a week), but I exhibit all of the other things associated with Compulsive Overeaters. Maybe I'm in denial about the amount of food I eat and how often I am eating through out the day?

Throughout my week, I will often eat to deal with stress and avoid emotion. I experience all the guilt and bad feelings that accompany the eating. Even when I'm eating a "healthy" dinner, I will eat past the point of being full. I eat fast. I eat in seclusion and have been know to lie about the amount or type of food I ate. And I rarely ever feel I have control over myself when it comes to eating.

Though a true binge, or what I consider to be one anyway, seems to be reserved for special events where there will be lots of food available, coming off a diet or a period of "being good", or when things get especially stressful and I just can't deal (like I've been doing this week). I suppose it's like an alcoholic saying they just have a drink once in a while. I obviously have problems with my eating. Weather or not I binge as often as the next guy doesn't change the fact that I have a problem.

My New Book

After dropping my oldest off at camp today I scooted over to Barnes and Noble to look for a new book (I was caught waiting a half hour for her to get out last week with no book, it was terrible!). My youngest was napping soundly in her stroller so I was able to peruse the sections I wanted to before having to hit the Thomas the Tank Engine table in the kid's section.

Of course I headed straight to the diet section. I was trying to find anything that promoted a natural, whole food way of eating/detoxing/weight loss. I picked up The Gut Flush and The Fat Flush by Ann Louise Gittleman. Interesting, but I'm not quite there yet. I might need to revisit them in time. Anyone out there try this system at all??? If so any feed back?? I am curious.

Anyway, then I move over to the self help section to look for books on compulsive over eating and binge eating disorder. I am somewhat in denial when it comes to this stuff. As a teen I went through the binge and purge deal. The purging tapered off but I'm not so sure I'd consider myself a true binger these days. I tend to do that mostly after I'm coming off some diet plan that didn't work. The binging kind of morphed into compulsive overeating such as what I did when my in-laws came over. I know that I do this, but never really considered it an "eating disorder" per say. No, I just considered it being fat and lazy. I've read enough books to know that I fit the profile of a food/sugar addict and a compulsive eater and realize it is a real problem, but still I just never classified myself as such. I guess that's what denial is all about. Yet somewhere deep down I continue to arm myself with information in this area in the event that one day I am able to make amends with myself and actually confront my issues.

Anyway, There were all the text book like books, the ones written by doctors and psychiatrists and such. Nothing particularly struck me in this section. Then I came across a narrative type book, Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. How to Drop Two, Four (or More!) Dress Sizes-and Find Yourself Along the Way. BINGO, just what I was looking for.

I'm past the quarter mark and not quite mid-life, but I've been going through some type of life crisis these days. That's a whole other post though. Anyway, losing weight and finding myself in a personal story written by a regular girl who went through this sounded perfect. So I paid my money and off I went to pick up my daughter from camp.

I was a half hour early again, but it was good because I wanted to start on my book and knew I would have no time for it once I got home with the kids. I almost started crying as I read through the Introduction. There were so many eerie parallels, it was as if she was writing this about me. In fact, she has written the book that I always dreamed of writing...a book based on some personal triumph. Even her style of writing is fun and how I'd want it to be. But most of all it spoke to me. My life, my thoughts and fears, my hopes and dreams.

So anyone out there looking for a good book on how one chick overcame her Fat Girl mentality and took control back over her life, I highly recommend this one even though I only read through the introduction! I have that much faith that the rest of it is going to be just as good. I'll let you all know....

My Upset Stomach

Yesterday was such a great day. We spent most of it at the pool, which was quite a work out. Treading water in the deep end takes a lot of work! I was so motivated about having such a great day that even after we came home, I did my usual walk on the treadmill.

Today though, I feel like crap and so I have started out on a bad foot. My stomach is still in knots from the unhealthy breakfast and lunch I ate, yet right now all I want is some cookies or a brownie or something. I feel like crying or just going to sleep (which I can't do unless I want my little ones to trash my house and/or themselves). It's already 1:30 pm and we have not yet gotten dressed. Motivation to do anything is nonexistent.

How can I go from such a good day to the complete opposite? I feel like Jekyl and Hyde.

My Doctor's Visit

I so wish Zach Braff was my doctor!

My yearly physical was yesterday. Everything seems to be in good order (pending my bloodwork comes back alright). Of course the doctor had to pull out those wonderful weight charts. I felt like a kid who was about to get scolded for eating candy before dinner.

The kicker of the whole thing was that I found out that I am indeed NOT 5 foot 2 inches. No, I am only 5 foot 1 inch which makes my BMI even higher than I thought and just enough to push me into the obese category. Freaking WONDERFUL!

I have to say that this doctor was very gentle in how she brought up and discussed the topic with me. That's one reason I prefer to see a woman doctor. They kind of get it a little more. She was probably a few years older than me and has kids herself. Even though she is thin, she still kind of knows what it's like. Not like some male doctors who have no idea what my day to day life is all about or what it feels like to be a hormonal, hungry woman. She spoke to me gently and respectfully and so I will keep her as my primary care physician even though she is no Dr. JD Dorian!

She would like for me to aim to get back down to the low 140's to start, which is where I was before I got pregnant. I almost made it back down to that point last year when I was doing Weight Watchers (WW). I know she's right, I need to really watch myself now as I get older and already am at an increased risk for certain illnesses. I guess it was good too, kind of gave me some motivation to keep going (even though I really just started!)

She talked to me about binge eating a little bit. Something I am very guitly of when I am dieting. When I watch what I eat I can do well for certain periods of time, but then fall off the wagon and fall HARD. She suggested instead of denying myself certain foods to allow myself smaller portions of things I want so I don't feel deprived. I've tried that though. When I do it that way, the food addict in me comes out and that small portion is not enough. I start to crave more of whatever I had. I think I'm better off completely cutting some things out. So I don't know, I'll have to find the right balance on my own.

I do need to get on top of the exercise though. So far I've gotten my walking in everyday, but I know I am going to have to do more soon if I really want to get in shape.

My Gestational Diabetes

So I think it's time to give you all a little more insight as to what I'm all about. Yes, I desperately want to get these 50 pounds off my body. However that's not my only focus. I also want to get healthy, maybe more than than I want to be thin. I am a big fan of natural health and a firm believer that we are what we eat.

During both my pregnancies I developed gestational diabetes. That's when my study into health and nutrition began. Diet alone was enough for me to keep my diabetes under control and my babies healthy. That was my first hand experience that our diets and lifestyle (they made me exercise too) have a profound effect on our health.

When I went for my first appointment at the diabetes center, I was told by the nutritionist (who ironically was a lot fatter than me) not to worry as long as I follow the diet. She told me that most people who end up needing insulin do so because they don't want to be bothered to follow the diet correctly. That was kind of alarming, so I made sure to follow the program (and I do admit it got hard at times). I even took it one step further and started doing a lot of research on diabetes and nutrition. The fat lady at the diabetes center told me about eating the right ratio of protien, carbs and fat at each meal and about eating at certain times and such, but she still propagated an unhealthy way of eating. Somehow I just didn't believe that a Sausage McMuffin was a good breakfast for someone who has made themselves sick by eating crap. Oh, they tried to give me the line that it wasn't my fault that I developed diabetes. That somewhere in my family runs this disease and that's why I have it. And so as I ate my first Sausage McMuffin on the way to work I thought, that's a bunch of BS! Even with the predisposition to the disease, I wouldn't have developed it if I had eaten a diet rich in whole natural foods and went for a freaking walk once in a while. It was my diet of refined carbs and junk food and my couch potato lifestyle that made me fat and made my body unable to metabolize the excess amounts of glucose I was pumping into it.

That was just the beginning of my nutritional crusade. After each kid was born I got on my horse to lose weight. Last year I even had a pretty sucessful bout until I fell off the wagon. We'll get to that part of the story in time. I started slacking on all this, so I really let myself slide. I see a difference in my kids too. My youngest (who's now 2) is already developing my bad eating habits and I can't get her to eat any vegetables at all. My mom says paybacks are a bitch...apparantly I was like that as a child.

Anyway, I know that taking in less calories than I burn will yield a net weight loss. That's not enough for me. I am looking for a diet (lifestyle or whatever you want to call it) that will address my body's health concerns and not only allow me to lose weight, but also improve my overall health. So come back and visit if you are at all interested in a natural way of losing weight. I will share not only my personal story, but any valuable information I learn along the way! And of course I would love to hear from anyone else who has information or experiences to share!

My Do Over!

So I think I finally got everything out of my system yesterday. I ate all the left over crap food we had in the house. Today is grocery shopping day so I am going to try and make a meal plan and buy my food according to that. That tends to help me stay on course.

My house is still clean which is a huge help mentally. I seem to not be able to function normally when my house is a mess. An overwhelming desire to throw myself on the couch and become part of the mess takes over.

It looks like a beautiful day outside too. Perhaps it will motivate me to spend time outside which means I'll be doing more physical stuff. Another plus!

I feel like I got a "do over" now after that bad weekend! I decided to skip the weigh in this morning because I didn't want to get into the "I'm already defeated" mindset. It was a good thing too because now I am excited to making some progress. I drank my water, ate a good breakfast and am actually looking forward to my walk today! YAY!

My Cake

I succumbed to the cake...and the sausage and peppers and the bread and the chips and dip.

My in-laws came for a visit yesterday. It was a fairly pleasant visit, yet there's always some underlying stress associated with them (could you imagine, stressful in-laws!) And I am a hard core stress eater, so not a good combo.

Looking back on my behavior I could see how I nervously shoved food in my mouth all day long. Some people have a drink to calm the nerves, I just eat. It's really terrible. It's like a compulsion and I am helpless to it.

The very worst part though is that once I get into a mode like that, I go into a tailspin. I just want more even though the stress is gone. Maybe now I'm stressed out because I ate so much and that stress is making me want to reach for more food to comfort myself. Food is my drug.

So I am frustrated today because I don't know how to break this. Maybe I should be focusing on my exercise first and once that falls into place I'll be more inclined to really focus on my diet.

How do normal people deal with stress?

My Goals

My weight at the beginning of this venture was a whopping 160.2 pounds (and I am only 5'2, ACK!). I'm only 3 days into my journey, but decided to weigh in just to see if I've made any progress. According to my scale I am down 3 pounds. That was a pleasant surprise, YAY ME!

I did it by walking, drinking lots of water and trying to watch my portions. I'm proud of my progress, but it was a very hard 3 days. Last night I wanted cake. REALLY badly. Normally sweets aren't my thing, but last night I had such a strong craving. Luckily we didn't have anything in the house and my husband was home so I didn't want to sneak out on a food run (I actually do that sometimes, it's really terrible). Anyway, I did buy myself Cracker Jacks today though. They are sweet enough to satisfy my sugar craving without adding so many calories. I think I remember a bag being only about 2 points on Weight Watchers (WW). As long as it doesn't make me crave more I'm good!

So lets see, I think I should set some goals. Ultimately I would like to get back down to the 110-115 range. That's a long way off though! So my first goal would be to lose 10% of my current weight (stole that from WW as well!) which would be 16 pounds. Once I reach that, I will make a new "mini goal".

My Turning Point

So why start my battle now you ask?

Well, it started about a month ago. My BIL got married and I was having a hard time finding something to wear. It's not often I get to dress up like a real adult and go out these days, so I wanted to make the most of it. I found the perfect dress. It was stylish, slimming for my shape and they HAD MY SIZE!! Shoe shopping was even easier. There was this sexy pair of hot pink high heels that were a perfect match. I got myself all dressed up and ready to go, and dare I say for once I actually felt pretty again.

We had a great time at the wedding. A friend of ours snapped a bunch of pictures and sent them to us a couple days later. I was HORRIFIED at what I saw. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. Embarassment took over me as I thought about what my fat butt must have looked like moving all around that dance floor. People must have been looking at my husband and thinking, "Poor guy to have such a fat wife." Even my feet looked fat in my sexy shoes. UGH, what on Earth would ever make me think that I could pull off any kind of sexy? I must have looked so foolish. I felt so ashamed.

And so...

That wasn't even enough to kick my butt into shape. I ate my way through the next couple of weeks. Irrational I know, but I got caught in the cycle. We went to visit friends for 4th of July weekend. The same girl was snapping pictures of everyone (she's a professional photographer). It was those pictures that really got to me. I didn't even recognize the person in the photographs. My family looked so beautiful and happy, and I was like a big fat blemish in the middle of it. I realized that all our famly photos revolve around the kids. I try not to be in them. How sad. I'm so ashamed of myself that I want to delete myself from our memories. I remembered how embarassed I was of my mom when I was a kid and didn't want my children to feel that way about me. Most of all though, I'm scared of leading them down this road. It would kill me to know that in 30 years from now they are struggling with all this just because I couldn't pull myself together enough to instill good health and nutrition in them while they are young.

It's not enough to teach it though, I have to be a role model. I can't make a run to the fast food drive thru, order something for myself and expect them to snack on carrot sticks. No, I need to live it with them. I need to get myself healthy so I can run around with them and not feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I want to be part of their memories and enjoy looking at pictures of all of us instead of watching from the sidelines. I want my husband to look at me the way he used to...or maybe more importantly I want to feel the way I used to before I gained the weight.

So here in starts my efforts. I wish I could say I am confident enough in my resolve to make it work this time. I'm scared though, that I am too far gone to get back to what I think I should be.

My Introduction

Where do I even begin???

Well, I'm a short Italian chick in my early 30's with about 50 pounds to lose. A hard task considering I grew up with the mentality that whatever you ate it wasn't enough, and what I did eat was a ton of pasta, cheese and bread. I hated vegetables or anything even remotely considered "diet friendly". My family breaded and fried just about anything they could and to this day I still love fried foods and refined carbs.

I wasn't always this way though. It wasn't until I became an adult that I started packing on the pounds. My activity level became non existent and eating became sport. As life started to get more stressful, food became my comfort. I also inherited those great Italian mother genes which enable me to gain weight just by thinking about or looking at food. Not exactly the super power I dreamed about having as a kid!

And of course it doesn't help that I'm so short. 50 pounds spread across a tall person doesn't look quite as bad, but on a short person it looks more like 100 pounds because it's all condensed. It's like a mean optical illusion!

So anyway, here I am...short, fat and ready to take back my body. I will prevail in "My Big Fat Battle!"