My Dysmorphic View

Body dysmorphia is something I've only associated with skinny people who see themselves as fat. I mean fat people know they're fat right?

The short answer to that might be yes, however I think a fair amount of overweight people (me included) tend to be in denial regarding just how much weight we've gained or exactally what we look like. I mean, raise your hand if you too are successful at avoiding mirrors! It's not until we are forced to look at ourselves in pictures (which a good many of us also try to avoid being in) that we seem to be shocked when we see what we really look like or how big we've really gotten. By the way, I developed those pics my friend took from My Turning Point post this week. They were hard to look at.

I've seen these cool virtual models on a number of people's blogs. I thought it would be fun to make one for myself. When I made my model according to my measurements I didn't think she looked fat enough. The model I have on my side bar is 9 pounds heavier then I really am....because that's what I think I really look like (and also because I mistook my actual weight). I'm pretty sure that after my pregnancies, my weight redistributed itself and so now it all sits in front of me as if I were still pregnant. Does that make me perceive myself as fatter than I really am? And if that's the case, why am I consistently shocked when I see how big I am when I look at myself in a picture??

The model at my goal though, well technically she's a little under where I think I would make my goal weight, doesn't look as thin as I think she should look. Now I was that weight once, back in HS, and of course I thought I was fat (crazy right!) Anyway it made me think about how morphed my view of thin is. We did a unit on fitness in health class that year and I measured 11% body fat. Yet I thought I was fat. A good part of that was do to the fact that I didn't have a completely flat belly like the other "skinny" girls. I always had a little curve, or pouch or whatever you want to call it and I thought it made me look fat. Little did I know how fat I would eventually get!

So obiviously I have a very dysmorphic view of my body whether I'm fat or skinny. No matter what weight I'm at, I still feel as though I'm looking at myself through one of those fun house mirrors.

My Gestational Diabetes

So I think it's time to give you all a little more insight as to what I'm all about. Yes, I desperately want to get these 50 pounds off my body. However that's not my only focus. I also want to get healthy, maybe more than than I want to be thin. I am a big fan of natural health and a firm believer that we are what we eat.

During both my pregnancies I developed gestational diabetes. That's when my study into health and nutrition began. Diet alone was enough for me to keep my diabetes under control and my babies healthy. That was my first hand experience that our diets and lifestyle (they made me exercise too) have a profound effect on our health.

When I went for my first appointment at the diabetes center, I was told by the nutritionist (who ironically was a lot fatter than me) not to worry as long as I follow the diet. She told me that most people who end up needing insulin do so because they don't want to be bothered to follow the diet correctly. That was kind of alarming, so I made sure to follow the program (and I do admit it got hard at times). I even took it one step further and started doing a lot of research on diabetes and nutrition. The fat lady at the diabetes center told me about eating the right ratio of protien, carbs and fat at each meal and about eating at certain times and such, but she still propagated an unhealthy way of eating. Somehow I just didn't believe that a Sausage McMuffin was a good breakfast for someone who has made themselves sick by eating crap. Oh, they tried to give me the line that it wasn't my fault that I developed diabetes. That somewhere in my family runs this disease and that's why I have it. And so as I ate my first Sausage McMuffin on the way to work I thought, that's a bunch of BS! Even with the predisposition to the disease, I wouldn't have developed it if I had eaten a diet rich in whole natural foods and went for a freaking walk once in a while. It was my diet of refined carbs and junk food and my couch potato lifestyle that made me fat and made my body unable to metabolize the excess amounts of glucose I was pumping into it.

That was just the beginning of my nutritional crusade. After each kid was born I got on my horse to lose weight. Last year I even had a pretty sucessful bout until I fell off the wagon. We'll get to that part of the story in time. I started slacking on all this, so I really let myself slide. I see a difference in my kids too. My youngest (who's now 2) is already developing my bad eating habits and I can't get her to eat any vegetables at all. My mom says paybacks are a bitch...apparantly I was like that as a child.

Anyway, I know that taking in less calories than I burn will yield a net weight loss. That's not enough for me. I am looking for a diet (lifestyle or whatever you want to call it) that will address my body's health concerns and not only allow me to lose weight, but also improve my overall health. So come back and visit if you are at all interested in a natural way of losing weight. I will share not only my personal story, but any valuable information I learn along the way! And of course I would love to hear from anyone else who has information or experiences to share!