My Dysmorphic View

Body dysmorphia is something I've only associated with skinny people who see themselves as fat. I mean fat people know they're fat right?

The short answer to that might be yes, however I think a fair amount of overweight people (me included) tend to be in denial regarding just how much weight we've gained or exactally what we look like. I mean, raise your hand if you too are successful at avoiding mirrors! It's not until we are forced to look at ourselves in pictures (which a good many of us also try to avoid being in) that we seem to be shocked when we see what we really look like or how big we've really gotten. By the way, I developed those pics my friend took from My Turning Point post this week. They were hard to look at.

I've seen these cool virtual models on a number of people's blogs. I thought it would be fun to make one for myself. When I made my model according to my measurements I didn't think she looked fat enough. The model I have on my side bar is 9 pounds heavier then I really am....because that's what I think I really look like (and also because I mistook my actual weight). I'm pretty sure that after my pregnancies, my weight redistributed itself and so now it all sits in front of me as if I were still pregnant. Does that make me perceive myself as fatter than I really am? And if that's the case, why am I consistently shocked when I see how big I am when I look at myself in a picture??

The model at my goal though, well technically she's a little under where I think I would make my goal weight, doesn't look as thin as I think she should look. Now I was that weight once, back in HS, and of course I thought I was fat (crazy right!) Anyway it made me think about how morphed my view of thin is. We did a unit on fitness in health class that year and I measured 11% body fat. Yet I thought I was fat. A good part of that was do to the fact that I didn't have a completely flat belly like the other "skinny" girls. I always had a little curve, or pouch or whatever you want to call it and I thought it made me look fat. Little did I know how fat I would eventually get!

So obiviously I have a very dysmorphic view of my body whether I'm fat or skinny. No matter what weight I'm at, I still feel as though I'm looking at myself through one of those fun house mirrors.

My Turning Point

So why start my battle now you ask?

Well, it started about a month ago. My BIL got married and I was having a hard time finding something to wear. It's not often I get to dress up like a real adult and go out these days, so I wanted to make the most of it. I found the perfect dress. It was stylish, slimming for my shape and they HAD MY SIZE!! Shoe shopping was even easier. There was this sexy pair of hot pink high heels that were a perfect match. I got myself all dressed up and ready to go, and dare I say for once I actually felt pretty again.

We had a great time at the wedding. A friend of ours snapped a bunch of pictures and sent them to us a couple days later. I was HORRIFIED at what I saw. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. Embarassment took over me as I thought about what my fat butt must have looked like moving all around that dance floor. People must have been looking at my husband and thinking, "Poor guy to have such a fat wife." Even my feet looked fat in my sexy shoes. UGH, what on Earth would ever make me think that I could pull off any kind of sexy? I must have looked so foolish. I felt so ashamed.

And so...

That wasn't even enough to kick my butt into shape. I ate my way through the next couple of weeks. Irrational I know, but I got caught in the cycle. We went to visit friends for 4th of July weekend. The same girl was snapping pictures of everyone (she's a professional photographer). It was those pictures that really got to me. I didn't even recognize the person in the photographs. My family looked so beautiful and happy, and I was like a big fat blemish in the middle of it. I realized that all our famly photos revolve around the kids. I try not to be in them. How sad. I'm so ashamed of myself that I want to delete myself from our memories. I remembered how embarassed I was of my mom when I was a kid and didn't want my children to feel that way about me. Most of all though, I'm scared of leading them down this road. It would kill me to know that in 30 years from now they are struggling with all this just because I couldn't pull myself together enough to instill good health and nutrition in them while they are young.

It's not enough to teach it though, I have to be a role model. I can't make a run to the fast food drive thru, order something for myself and expect them to snack on carrot sticks. No, I need to live it with them. I need to get myself healthy so I can run around with them and not feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I want to be part of their memories and enjoy looking at pictures of all of us instead of watching from the sidelines. I want my husband to look at me the way he used to...or maybe more importantly I want to feel the way I used to before I gained the weight.

So here in starts my efforts. I wish I could say I am confident enough in my resolve to make it work this time. I'm scared though, that I am too far gone to get back to what I think I should be.