I can't imagine anyone is still reading this since it's been a good 5 months since I've last posted, but perhaps that's a good thing. It will allow me to more easily be honest about what's been going on.
Life has been pretty hectic these past five months and so I was totally overloaded with trying to manage my weight on top of it all. Even as I type that, I know it's nothing more than a big fat excuse. Nonetheless, it was what what happened. That's when I go into denial about how big I really am. Every now and again though, I will get an undeniable glimpse of myself and fall into a little depression.
I HATE being fat. I really do. I've realized though, that's it's more than just my weight that I hate. I am too tired and overwhelmed with taking care of my family that I completely stopped taking care of myself in general. On top of being fat, I look tired, disheveled and unkept. When I was young I used to wonder how some people could go from being a good looking young person into such a dumpy looking adult. And yet, I have just about completed the transition myself. What happened to me?
Remember that awesome haircut I got 5 months ago right before I stopped writing? It was good for a while, but now even that looks outgrown and dumpy. It's like I'm incapable of upkeeping any positive change.
Anyway, even if noone's reading this, I think it's time to get myself back on top of my priority list. I've got some new goals that I will lay out for myself. I'm hoping that blogging will once again prove as a good means of expression as well as a way for me to keep track of some progress.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, September 15, 2008
My Second Week
Sucess is such a relative thing!
This week I have two squares on my chart staring back at me with no stickers. So in that sense, I suppose I did worse this week (though I was sick one of the days). Still it was much easier this week to keep going despite my missed work outs. The compulsion to view myself as a failure was not as strong and so I was able to continue through a setback. In that sense I was far more successful.
I will continue this last week with the same 7 day goal I originally set. Though next week when I reset my goals for the next 3 week period, I think I will make some adjustments so that the goal is a little more reasonable, but still increase my level of activity.
I have been 100% with my goal of eating breakfast everyday though and so I am very proud of that. Even the day I was sick and unable to keep things in, I made sure to at least have a glass of orange juice with pulp in the morning. A habit is definitely being formed and I believe I can continue to build on this progress. My next food goal will be to aim for preparing a proper dinner at least during week nights, so that I am eating a regular breakfast at breakfast time, and a regular dinner at dinner time (as opposed to the constant grazing I do all day now). I am going to take the stress of finding highly healthful recipes off me for night now and just concentrate on making dinner every night. I figure once I get my eating patterns reset, then I can tweak it with the more healthful goals (not that I'm striving to cook unhealthy stuff now).
So week 2 not so bad!
This week I have two squares on my chart staring back at me with no stickers. So in that sense, I suppose I did worse this week (though I was sick one of the days). Still it was much easier this week to keep going despite my missed work outs. The compulsion to view myself as a failure was not as strong and so I was able to continue through a setback. In that sense I was far more successful.
I will continue this last week with the same 7 day goal I originally set. Though next week when I reset my goals for the next 3 week period, I think I will make some adjustments so that the goal is a little more reasonable, but still increase my level of activity.
I have been 100% with my goal of eating breakfast everyday though and so I am very proud of that. Even the day I was sick and unable to keep things in, I made sure to at least have a glass of orange juice with pulp in the morning. A habit is definitely being formed and I believe I can continue to build on this progress. My next food goal will be to aim for preparing a proper dinner at least during week nights, so that I am eating a regular breakfast at breakfast time, and a regular dinner at dinner time (as opposed to the constant grazing I do all day now). I am going to take the stress of finding highly healthful recipes off me for night now and just concentrate on making dinner every night. I figure once I get my eating patterns reset, then I can tweak it with the more healthful goals (not that I'm striving to cook unhealthy stuff now).
So week 2 not so bad!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My Return to Order
Back to the daily grind!
Vacation was exhaustingly fun, as vacation with young kids usually is. All diet and exercise bets were off this week, though some of our activities required a lot more movement than I would have done at home! I really just wanted to give myself an emotional vacation from eating/body issues though and I feel it was a great boost.
I am ready to get myself on some kind of track. I realize that if I keep focusing on the big picture I will forget about all the babysteps that are required to get me there and thus set myself up for failure (as usual). I have a plan that I am going to set into action. It focuses on making small changes and building on those as I master each one.
As the week unfolds I will share my plan and goals and such (I'm still perfecting some details). It is good to be home and refreshed though, and feel like I can tackle what lies ahead for me!
Vacation was exhaustingly fun, as vacation with young kids usually is. All diet and exercise bets were off this week, though some of our activities required a lot more movement than I would have done at home! I really just wanted to give myself an emotional vacation from eating/body issues though and I feel it was a great boost.
I am ready to get myself on some kind of track. I realize that if I keep focusing on the big picture I will forget about all the babysteps that are required to get me there and thus set myself up for failure (as usual). I have a plan that I am going to set into action. It focuses on making small changes and building on those as I master each one.
As the week unfolds I will share my plan and goals and such (I'm still perfecting some details). It is good to be home and refreshed though, and feel like I can tackle what lies ahead for me!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
My inner voices
One symptom of those with eating disorders is low self esteem. I am no stranger to this. I may hide it well sometimes,even to myself, but in reality I think very little of myself and my abilities.
Way before I ever became a "fat girl" I had a fat girl mentality. I put everyone's needs above my own, I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the cheerleader for everyone else, but never once expected any of this in return. My interests included helping others attain their goals while I let mine fall by the wayside. I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it so I suffered silently thinking everyone else's issues were more important than my own and wrote bad poetry to soothe myself. It was around this time of my life that I became bulimic.
This whole frame of mind got worse as I got older. When I made it to college, I had a chance to start fresh and find myself. Instead, I clung for dear life to old habits and lost myself even more. Instead of developing my own personality and interests, I latched on to my boyfriend and became an extension of his.
I forced myself to stay safely in an emotional cocoon by shutting myself off to anything beyond my boyfriend and handful of close friends. I was terrified of becoming my own person. What if I did something stupid, or no one liked me, or worse, I failed. My thoughts were, if there was even a remote chance I would fail at something I shouldn't bother trying.
It was less scary to watch life from the sidelines instead of living it like everyone else, but it was not nearly as fulfilling. I was sad and angry at myself for being this way and so I started eating to avoid dealing with those emotions. Only this time I stopped purging due to my boyfriend's concerns for my health (he was the first person I'd confided in about my eating). That's when I started getting fat. Eating not only dulled the emotions but also built a physical wall which I was able to use as an excuse to hide. I can't do ____ I'm fat! No one wants to be friends with you...or so the voices in my head would remind me.
I eventually married that boyfriend even though deep down I couldn't understand why he really wanted to be with me. He has been a continual souce of positive energy in my life and proved himself to be the best husband and father anyone can ask for. I am grateful, and yet feel like I don't deserve him.
It wasn't until I had kids though, that I was forced to dig deep inside myself. It's totally cliche, but they really do make me want to be a better person. Becoming a mother, especially for the first time, is HARD! It's scary, exhausting, emotional and if you don't do a good job the consequences are so tremendous. Yet, not only did I take that responsibility on, I also took on the role of supporter for other first time parents dealing with some hard times. Again other people's needs before my own (still didn't know how to ask for help myself) and yes helping them deal with their issues kept me from focusing on my own, but this time the outcome was a little different. Becoming a parent was without a doubt the single most important and difficult task I had ever undertaken. But I did it, and I did it well! I started to realize that even though something was hard, I was able to do it.
No one goes into parenthood realizing the awesome responsibility it holds. Even the most prepared people don't really understand just how it's going to affect them until they experience it (I thought I had it all figured out until I was put to the test!). It's probably a good thing that I had no idea otherwise I might not have thought I was able to handle such a responsibility. Not having the option to quit when things got hard made me realize that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, even if do struggle along the way.
So while the experience has been eye opening, one doesn't simply throw old habits to the wind. I am learning that I have more potential than I thought. It's still scary and difficult, but I'm also learning that some things are worth the risk and effort. But, the biggest thing that I've learned is that the only difference between me and the women who are successful in what they do is that they believe in themselves and that they deserve to be happy.
My husband always told me that when I was really set on doing something I always managed to make it happen. I suppose I just have reprogram the voice in my head to say, "it's hard, but you can do this" and "sure you're fat, but your health and happieness are still worth working for".
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
-Anias Nin
Way before I ever became a "fat girl" I had a fat girl mentality. I put everyone's needs above my own, I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the cheerleader for everyone else, but never once expected any of this in return. My interests included helping others attain their goals while I let mine fall by the wayside. I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it so I suffered silently thinking everyone else's issues were more important than my own and wrote bad poetry to soothe myself. It was around this time of my life that I became bulimic.
This whole frame of mind got worse as I got older. When I made it to college, I had a chance to start fresh and find myself. Instead, I clung for dear life to old habits and lost myself even more. Instead of developing my own personality and interests, I latched on to my boyfriend and became an extension of his.
I forced myself to stay safely in an emotional cocoon by shutting myself off to anything beyond my boyfriend and handful of close friends. I was terrified of becoming my own person. What if I did something stupid, or no one liked me, or worse, I failed. My thoughts were, if there was even a remote chance I would fail at something I shouldn't bother trying.
It was less scary to watch life from the sidelines instead of living it like everyone else, but it was not nearly as fulfilling. I was sad and angry at myself for being this way and so I started eating to avoid dealing with those emotions. Only this time I stopped purging due to my boyfriend's concerns for my health (he was the first person I'd confided in about my eating). That's when I started getting fat. Eating not only dulled the emotions but also built a physical wall which I was able to use as an excuse to hide. I can't do ____ I'm fat! No one wants to be friends with you...or so the voices in my head would remind me.
I eventually married that boyfriend even though deep down I couldn't understand why he really wanted to be with me. He has been a continual souce of positive energy in my life and proved himself to be the best husband and father anyone can ask for. I am grateful, and yet feel like I don't deserve him.
It wasn't until I had kids though, that I was forced to dig deep inside myself. It's totally cliche, but they really do make me want to be a better person. Becoming a mother, especially for the first time, is HARD! It's scary, exhausting, emotional and if you don't do a good job the consequences are so tremendous. Yet, not only did I take that responsibility on, I also took on the role of supporter for other first time parents dealing with some hard times. Again other people's needs before my own (still didn't know how to ask for help myself) and yes helping them deal with their issues kept me from focusing on my own, but this time the outcome was a little different. Becoming a parent was without a doubt the single most important and difficult task I had ever undertaken. But I did it, and I did it well! I started to realize that even though something was hard, I was able to do it.
No one goes into parenthood realizing the awesome responsibility it holds. Even the most prepared people don't really understand just how it's going to affect them until they experience it (I thought I had it all figured out until I was put to the test!). It's probably a good thing that I had no idea otherwise I might not have thought I was able to handle such a responsibility. Not having the option to quit when things got hard made me realize that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, even if do struggle along the way.
So while the experience has been eye opening, one doesn't simply throw old habits to the wind. I am learning that I have more potential than I thought. It's still scary and difficult, but I'm also learning that some things are worth the risk and effort. But, the biggest thing that I've learned is that the only difference between me and the women who are successful in what they do is that they believe in themselves and that they deserve to be happy.
My husband always told me that when I was really set on doing something I always managed to make it happen. I suppose I just have reprogram the voice in my head to say, "it's hard, but you can do this" and "sure you're fat, but your health and happieness are still worth working for".
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
-Anias Nin
Friday, July 11, 2008
My Goals
My weight at the beginning of this venture was a whopping 160.2 pounds (and I am only 5'2, ACK!). I'm only 3 days into my journey, but decided to weigh in just to see if I've made any progress. According to my scale I am down 3 pounds. That was a pleasant surprise, YAY ME!
I did it by walking, drinking lots of water and trying to watch my portions. I'm proud of my progress, but it was a very hard 3 days. Last night I wanted cake. REALLY badly. Normally sweets aren't my thing, but last night I had such a strong craving. Luckily we didn't have anything in the house and my husband was home so I didn't want to sneak out on a food run (I actually do that sometimes, it's really terrible). Anyway, I did buy myself Cracker Jacks today though. They are sweet enough to satisfy my sugar craving without adding so many calories. I think I remember a bag being only about 2 points on Weight Watchers (WW). As long as it doesn't make me crave more I'm good!
So lets see, I think I should set some goals. Ultimately I would like to get back down to the 110-115 range. That's a long way off though! So my first goal would be to lose 10% of my current weight (stole that from WW as well!) which would be 16 pounds. Once I reach that, I will make a new "mini goal".
I did it by walking, drinking lots of water and trying to watch my portions. I'm proud of my progress, but it was a very hard 3 days. Last night I wanted cake. REALLY badly. Normally sweets aren't my thing, but last night I had such a strong craving. Luckily we didn't have anything in the house and my husband was home so I didn't want to sneak out on a food run (I actually do that sometimes, it's really terrible). Anyway, I did buy myself Cracker Jacks today though. They are sweet enough to satisfy my sugar craving without adding so many calories. I think I remember a bag being only about 2 points on Weight Watchers (WW). As long as it doesn't make me crave more I'm good!
So lets see, I think I should set some goals. Ultimately I would like to get back down to the 110-115 range. That's a long way off though! So my first goal would be to lose 10% of my current weight (stole that from WW as well!) which would be 16 pounds. Once I reach that, I will make a new "mini goal".
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