My Second Week

Here's where I need to silence the self defeating voice in my head. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. Excellent right? I had set my goal for between the 3-4 pound mark and am a little dissapointed that I didn't make it. Though, that disappointment is less than it would have been in the past and here's why:

I learned a lot this week. At least for me, it's not enough to just cut the number of calories I'm eating. The types of food I eat have a big impact on my results. Last week I included more fruits and veggies and had more protein based than carbed based breakfasts. This week, I stayed in points but went heavy on carbs. I know I lose less weight when I do that, and it showed this week. It also gave me severe heartburn. I love carbs, but they are hard on my body and slow my weight loss. Unless I eat good carbs balanced with protein, healthy fats and veggies.

I think I slacked a bit on my water intake too. I generally don't drink anything other than water or tea, but this week I didn't drink as much water in between meals to keep myself as hydrated. I know from the past, when I stop drinking the water my weight loss tends to slow.

Timing was another issue. Last week I ate more balanced meals throughout the day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner...all were eaten pretty close to regular meal times, with a snack between each meal. This week I got into the hoarding mentality, so that I could have my bigger carb treat for dinner or dessert. What I did was skimp on my points throughout the days, so that I wasn't eating regular meals or snacks, and end up with an abundance of points in the evening. The funny part is that I usualy ended up with more points than I needed, so a couple of days I didn't even use all my points. That's not good either. Not eating enough can slow your weight loss progress as well.

Last big issue was exercising. Last week I walked for a mere 10 minutes on most days. This week I didn't walk at all. My body is very responsive to exercise (at least it has been in the past) so I feel that my lack of even just that 10 minute walk made a difference. This week I commit myself to walking again.

So on one hand I was dissapointed because I felt like if I had done the things I knew I should have been doing, I could have hit that 3-4 pound mark. Yet, on the other hand, this whole thing is a learning experience. I am becoming aware of what works for me and what will impede my success. Plus, I needed carbs this week, so if I have to take a slower weight loss and feed my need so that I can stay the course, well how can I really be disappointed in that? I am pleased with my results, and I know what I can work on now for next week.

My Weight Watchers Journey

I decided it was time to bite the bullet and seek some professional help!

I knew that I would eventually go back to Weight Watchers one day, but I needed to wait until I was mentally ready to commit to it again. My faith is strong in the program itself. Any time I have followed it in the past, the weight melted off my body rather readily. It teaches you how to eat real food in real life situations. It promotes healthy natural foods (although they do offer prepared foods for those who like that route) and activity. They even address the mental and emotional roadblocks that derail us from our success and how to stay positive.

All common sense things right. I know I should know how to do that all on my own, but there's something about the support of the other people in the meetings, and the motivation the leader provides (if you find a good meeting group which I believe I did!) and the accountability of having someone else measure my progress (I have a hard time keeping myself honest) that makes it all worth it for me.

Part of me is nervous. I am a WW veteran, having tried the program numerous times throughout my life. As I said the program itself is something I can really stand behind, it's myself that I'm less sure of. The last time I did the program was when I started almost 2 years ago. I lost 25 pounds then fell off the wagon (pretty hard I might add). I lasted only 3 months.

That was the time I joined with my mother. She kept going even after I stopped. In a little over a year's time, she lost over 120 pounds and hit her goal. She is now a lifetime memeber, still going to meetings and still keeping the weight off. Like me she had done WW numerous times throughout her life with a certain level of success each time before fizzling out. I want this to be the time where I can make it click for me and keep going the way she did. The last time I tried, I was so determined that time would be my success story. This time I want it to be, but I have the fear that it will end like all the other times did. It's disturbing me that I'm going into this with my self confidence so low, though I suppose it's good that I'm at least doing something.

My Next Decision

My success came to a screeching halt this week. There's been a family issue that unexpectedly took up a lot of my time, however at this point even I know that that's just an excuse. I could have squeezed in a 20 minute walk if it were on my priority list, and yet I have not even 1 sticker on my chart this week. I am infamous for self sabotaging.

Even if I had been getting stickers though, my eating is still very out of control. I managed to eat breakfast everyday, but I'm still binging in the afternoons and evenings. So even though I've worked out more in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months, I still gained weight. Gosh I must have gained 10 pounds in the last month alone.

So after weeks of soul searching and trying a gentle approach, I realize I need more structre if I am going to have any kind of success. I decided that I'm ready to once again join Weight Watchers. The plan works for me. Whenever I follow it I lose weight and I feel that I am determined enough now to follow through with it. I am starting to see that watching what I eat is not a punishment for being fat. I am at a point where I want to stop abusing myself with food, and learn how to nuture myself and start feeling good. I think I am ready for that.

My meetings wouldn't start until next week, so I will be trying to mentally prepare until then. I intend to clear out the garbage from my house and stock it with WW friendly foods and snacks (I am very familiar with the plan, being a WW veteran and all). I will continue to keep a sticker chart for my workout progress, as moving is essential to the WW program.

So, I had another huge set back. But in this learning curve of life I've taken the lesson from it I think I needed to and will hopefully let it propell me onto a better path.

My Bad Behavior

Well friends, I feel like I am winning the battle but losing the war. I have been faithful to my sticker chart which is tremendous progress for me. Today was really great. After I dropped my oldest at school I did my walk outside in this beautiful weather while pushing my 2 year old in the stroller. Holy cow what a difference a little resistence and some hills make! I felt good though, and very happy to be outside. It might be easier to track my progress on the treadmill, but my basement is much less scenic and there's just a little less pleasure when you're doing all that walking, but you never get to go anywhere!

However, I have been highly stressed out lately. Some of it just regular life with two kids stuff (my oldest is testing her limits these days and my youngest decided she doesn't like to go to sleep when it's bedtime), but there's more to the stress, a certain kind of urgency that I have yet to pinpoint the source of. So my hair is fallig out and I've been stuffing myself with food. Even if I do well getting through a day, I tend to fall apart at night.

I'm not quite as hungry during the days since I started eating breakfast, but my eating obvisiously ignores all hunger/fullness signals. Fast food is my biggest vice and all it took was one taste of it before I fell into all out junkie mode. Let me paint you a picture....

My youngest is sick and very cranky. My husband gets home a little late. When he gets in I offer to take my oldest out (she's been getting nuts from hearing the little one complain all day). Of course we stop for a quick bite to eat since there was no formal dinner that night. My daughter eats 1 quarter of the personal pizza from Pizza Hut express and is more interested in the icee it came with (she snacked before we left the house). I, on the other hand, inhale the rest of the pizza. We make it home and my husband asked if we brought back any food. I offer to run out and get him whatever he wanted. He's been trying to eat healtheir these days, but tonight he requested The Baconator from Wendy's. Of course I couldn't go there and not get myself a little something, so even though I was full I ate another cheeseburger and a side of chicken nuggets. I was disguested with myself. I considered using my old behaviors to rid myself of the garbage I ate, but I held strong and forced myself through my workout that evening.

One taste of a fast food hamburger and that was it for me though. I wanted more. I NEEDED more. It's the end of the payweek though and so I had only 2 dollars left in my wallet. So what do I do? I STOLE some cash from the drawer I've been socking extra money away for a special trip we are taking the kids on this month. I had put an extra $5 in there recently to put towards gas and now I was sneaking it out of the drawer while my husband was playing with the kids and making a secret run to Wendy's on my way to return a movie. I can't even explain the shame I felt when it was all said and done. That night, after about a year and a half of staying strong, I finally succumbed to the urge of using my old behaviors to try to undo what I had just done.

So here I sit this morning, proud of myself as I add the newest sticker to my chart this morning, but really I just feel like it's all just a lost cause.