My Off Week

Thursdays are my weigh in days. I knew my weight loss would be a little slower considering the harder week I had. WW gives you 35 flex points to use in addition to your regular daily points should you need them. I try never to use them because I feel it slows my weight loss (you eat more you lose less). Anyway, I needed them last week and so I used them. Not all of them, maybe I used about half. I was proud of myself though for having stayed in my points and keeping on top of things.

What I was not ready for was my results at the scale. My weight had stayed exactally the same. No gain, but no weight loss either. I was disappointed.

My husband was home that day and gave me a "day off". So I went out shopping to try and find something nice to wear on a dinner I was going to with a friend. Shopping added insult to injury as I was not able to find anything that looked halfway decent. I have nothing appropiate at home either so I felt desperate and disappointed and overly stressed. Somehow I managed to go out and still have a great time despite all of that or worrying about how I looked.

Dinner was hard. I tried to be mindful of points, but nights like these come so rare for me that I just wanted to enjoy it. I had my drinks and suspended point counting for the day (though I didn't gorge myself). The problem though, is not the occasional night out. It's that the occasional night out blends into the next day, the weekend and into the following week. THat's where I am now.

My in-laws took us out to dinner the next night (I know when it rains it pours!) Anyway I made progress there. I still didn't count points, BUT I drank water instead of soda, ordered salad (oil and vinegar on the side) instead of the pasta with my meal, limited my bread to one piece before the meal (normally I'd eat one basketful with butter!), and had tea instead of coffee laden with cream and sugar. So I made changes and practiced restraint which is commendable, though I still feel like I'm failing because I didn't follow the program accordingly. I also felt defeated in the sense that those changes are great, but it's not going to be enough to get this fat off my body.

The next day, my mom took the kids and me to see a play in the park. She always packs WW friendly snacks and drinks so we were set for the afternoon. However, she also cooked a wonder dinner that evening of pasta with a meat sauce. I tried to keep it under control (still not measuring and counting though). I drank water, but had one tiny sip of soda. The killer there was the double stuffed oreos. I only had 4, but it made me feel terrible to even have those after the weekend of enjoying myself.

No problem I said, the week is when things are easiest for me to stay in points and get on track. But it's Monday already. I have no plan, I didn't go grocery shopping and all we have in the house is the left overs from the weekends culinary escapades. I feel sad and nervous and stressed about a whole host of things. If money weren't an issue, I'd say whatever even though I wasn't on target, I still made some personal victories and just continue on my battle seeking the support of the meetings (I really like my group), get through the rest of the day and start again tomorrow.

But cost is a concern. Money is very tight for us and so I feel like I'm thowing money away if I'm not following it to a tee and showing a steady weight loss. I don't want to give it up though and unlike my attempts in the past (when I could afford the meetings no problem) I feel like the small victories I made at dinner are worthy, even if I'm not at the point where I am able to stay totally on program every week. It's about changing a mindset and that takes time right? Still when every penny matters we don't always have the luxury of time.

My New Hair Cut

I don't know how I forgot to post about this.

Before I began my WW journey, I made a conscious decision to start getting myself back together. I started letting myself go before I had kids, but having the kids made it easier for me to have an excuse. An excuse for not taking care to at least put myself together nicely. All because I'm overweight doesn't mean I can't make myself look the best I could.

I had always toyed with the decision to cut my hair short, but always stopped at shoulder length when I went in for a cut. My hair, as of late, has changed dramatically from the long lush locks I had as a younger person. It's been thinning over the years (I'm told it's falling out from stress), and tends to become brittle and stringy. So when left long, my hair looked terrible. And I'm really not too skilled in the art of hair care which just made matters worse.

Anyway, I decided that I was tired of being dumpy. There are plenty of beauiful overweight people and there was no reason I couldn't be the same. It's not like things would change once I lost the weight. There are plenty of dumpy looking thin people to prove that point. I wasn't sure where to start though. Obiviously I couldn't run out and just buy myself a new wardrobe, but I did start with two new tops and a pair of jeans. So on days I have to leave the house, I at least have *someting* that's flattering for my shape and youthful (but still age appropriate!). As I hit my goals most of my rewards will be new clothing to accomodate my new shape.

What I could do right away, though, is get that haircut I was always threatening to get. I went out and bought a ton of hairstyle magazines and was pleased to see that the good old bob was pretty popular these days with lots of variations to choose from! I found a picture, went to a real hair salon and had the stylist chop off my hair!

I felt like a new person after that. I felt like Felicity (anyone remember that show?) when she cut all her hair off in the final episode one season (though I like my cut way better!) It was a physical change for sure, but it was just as much of a symbolic gesture to mark the change in mindset I had for myself. And I've noticed a change too. I like my new hair. I learned how to style it. I have more of an interest in making myself presentable before jetting out of the house to chauffer the kids to whereever they need to be. I feel better about myself and more confident in my decisions. I feel like I sparked the thin, confident girl within and now I am eager to bring her forth.

My Second Week

Here's where I need to silence the self defeating voice in my head. I lost 2.6 pounds this week. Excellent right? I had set my goal for between the 3-4 pound mark and am a little dissapointed that I didn't make it. Though, that disappointment is less than it would have been in the past and here's why:

I learned a lot this week. At least for me, it's not enough to just cut the number of calories I'm eating. The types of food I eat have a big impact on my results. Last week I included more fruits and veggies and had more protein based than carbed based breakfasts. This week, I stayed in points but went heavy on carbs. I know I lose less weight when I do that, and it showed this week. It also gave me severe heartburn. I love carbs, but they are hard on my body and slow my weight loss. Unless I eat good carbs balanced with protein, healthy fats and veggies.

I think I slacked a bit on my water intake too. I generally don't drink anything other than water or tea, but this week I didn't drink as much water in between meals to keep myself as hydrated. I know from the past, when I stop drinking the water my weight loss tends to slow.

Timing was another issue. Last week I ate more balanced meals throughout the day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner...all were eaten pretty close to regular meal times, with a snack between each meal. This week I got into the hoarding mentality, so that I could have my bigger carb treat for dinner or dessert. What I did was skimp on my points throughout the days, so that I wasn't eating regular meals or snacks, and end up with an abundance of points in the evening. The funny part is that I usualy ended up with more points than I needed, so a couple of days I didn't even use all my points. That's not good either. Not eating enough can slow your weight loss progress as well.

Last big issue was exercising. Last week I walked for a mere 10 minutes on most days. This week I didn't walk at all. My body is very responsive to exercise (at least it has been in the past) so I feel that my lack of even just that 10 minute walk made a difference. This week I commit myself to walking again.

So on one hand I was dissapointed because I felt like if I had done the things I knew I should have been doing, I could have hit that 3-4 pound mark. Yet, on the other hand, this whole thing is a learning experience. I am becoming aware of what works for me and what will impede my success. Plus, I needed carbs this week, so if I have to take a slower weight loss and feed my need so that I can stay the course, well how can I really be disappointed in that? I am pleased with my results, and I know what I can work on now for next week.

My Life on Points

Okay so it hasn't even been 2 full weeks yet, but things feel completely different this time around. My attitude has definitely shifted from, "this is something I need to do to get thin" (subtext: I am being punished for being fat), to "this is something I am CHOOSING to do for myself" (subtext: even though it does get rough, I am happy to make better choices for myself because it makes me feel good). That shift didn't come easy though. A lot of soul searching and binge episodes were required to get me to that point.

So far I have been able to fit WW in to my life easily. I even had dinner with my in-laws this weekend without having to alert them that I was counting points again and obsess over what was being served. I haven't told anyone except my husband that I was doing this again...(well...and you guys!). I didn't tell anyone. Not so much because I was afraid I was going to fail. Okay, Perhaps a little bit of it had to do with that. But more so because I feel that this time I am finally doing this for myself. I want this. I'm doing it only to get myself what I want, not because I know that everyone else is thinking I should be doing this. I'm done trying to prove myself or please the rest of the world. This time it's for me.

I feel more comfortable doing it this time, though I've been protected by the sanctity of my own house and cooking for most of it. Next month with family celebrations, holidays, and a weekend out with friends will put me to the test. I have to say that I have been able to be flexible this time which has allowed me to stay on course properly.

This weekend while I was out with my kids we stopped for some pizza. I was a little nervous even though I had enough points to have a slice. Something awesome happened during that lunch though. I ran out of water but really needed a drink. I had been avoiding having a sip of the girls' iced tea because I would rather eat my points than drink them. Anyway, I needed something to wash down my last bit of pizza so I took a small sip and almost had to spit it out because it was way too sweet!! It was a natural iced tea sweetened with real cane sugar, so not even one of those super sweet high fructose corn syrup laden drinks. I was happily in disbelief as I took another sip and had the same reaction. Normally I would have downed a whole bottle for myself, and now here I am pushing away after two small sips! Now if only I could have that same reaction towards cake!!!

My First Weigh In

So this morning was the moment of thruth: my first weigh in! I knew I had lost weight because I could feel it. My personal goal was to hit the 5 pound mark. Given my WW history I have always had a big loss the first week (though I'm guessing about half of that is really water weight). The receptionist who weighed me did a double take when she looked at the reading, but didn't tell me what the number was. I assumed by her reaction that it was a good one, but I almost fell over when she told me that I was down 6 pounds!!! Crazy! I lost 6 pounds my first week!

The trend is that I'll still lose a little extra the second week but not as much as the first. I'm not sure if setting my second week goal to be 4 is too high. It would be nice to have a 10 pound head start under my belt after only two weeks, that will have erased the damage I did to myself the past couple months. So this week I am shooting for 4 pounds. After that my goal will be the suggested 2 per week.