My Dysmorphic View

Body dysmorphia is something I've only associated with skinny people who see themselves as fat. I mean fat people know they're fat right?

The short answer to that might be yes, however I think a fair amount of overweight people (me included) tend to be in denial regarding just how much weight we've gained or exactally what we look like. I mean, raise your hand if you too are successful at avoiding mirrors! It's not until we are forced to look at ourselves in pictures (which a good many of us also try to avoid being in) that we seem to be shocked when we see what we really look like or how big we've really gotten. By the way, I developed those pics my friend took from My Turning Point post this week. They were hard to look at.

I've seen these cool virtual models on a number of people's blogs. I thought it would be fun to make one for myself. When I made my model according to my measurements I didn't think she looked fat enough. The model I have on my side bar is 9 pounds heavier then I really am....because that's what I think I really look like (and also because I mistook my actual weight). I'm pretty sure that after my pregnancies, my weight redistributed itself and so now it all sits in front of me as if I were still pregnant. Does that make me perceive myself as fatter than I really am? And if that's the case, why am I consistently shocked when I see how big I am when I look at myself in a picture??

The model at my goal though, well technically she's a little under where I think I would make my goal weight, doesn't look as thin as I think she should look. Now I was that weight once, back in HS, and of course I thought I was fat (crazy right!) Anyway it made me think about how morphed my view of thin is. We did a unit on fitness in health class that year and I measured 11% body fat. Yet I thought I was fat. A good part of that was do to the fact that I didn't have a completely flat belly like the other "skinny" girls. I always had a little curve, or pouch or whatever you want to call it and I thought it made me look fat. Little did I know how fat I would eventually get!

So obiviously I have a very dysmorphic view of my body whether I'm fat or skinny. No matter what weight I'm at, I still feel as though I'm looking at myself through one of those fun house mirrors.

My Clean House

One of the biggest obstacles I face as a SAHM is the lack of structure in a day. If I'm not required or obliged to be somewhere or doing something, I find it very easy to ignore any structure I set for myself. For that reason, I am eagerly awaiting the start of school next week. Three mornings out of the week we will have to be up, fed, dressed and out the door by a certain time every day. Sure I can still come back home with my youngest one and loaf after we drop her sister off, but once I'm dressed for the day I feel less compelled to do that.

So in the spirit of gearing up for our new routine, I'm spending this week getting myself mentally prepared for things. First order of business is to clean up the house and start organizing some things. I am the type of person that can not operate efficiently if my surroundings are in chaos. Cleaning the house gives me the emotional clarity I need to start a task. Likewise the first thing that I start slacking on when I am having trouble staying on target is keeping my house in order! So a weekly maintenance plan will be worked into the routine!

I've also been reevaluating my goals and motives. Last night I was trying to set up a list of rewards for myself and could you believe I had trouble. I am going to really spell out what it is I want to achieve and what steps I need to take to get started. I need to see that big picture, but then I need to shift my focus to the little things that I have in my immediate control. I need an organized plan of attack. That will help me see my progress and hopefully keep me on course.

So here's to a week of cleaning, organizing and getting ready to once again fight the battle!

My Return to Order

Back to the daily grind!

Vacation was exhaustingly fun, as vacation with young kids usually is. All diet and exercise bets were off this week, though some of our activities required a lot more movement than I would have done at home! I really just wanted to give myself an emotional vacation from eating/body issues though and I feel it was a great boost.

I am ready to get myself on some kind of track. I realize that if I keep focusing on the big picture I will forget about all the babysteps that are required to get me there and thus set myself up for failure (as usual). I have a plan that I am going to set into action. It focuses on making small changes and building on those as I master each one.

As the week unfolds I will share my plan and goals and such (I'm still perfecting some details). It is good to be home and refreshed though, and feel like I can tackle what lies ahead for me!

My Vacation

Sorry for the lack of posting, commenting, etc.

My husband is on VACATION!!! It is much needed and we've been making the most of it. I am gearing myself up for a fresh start in September and will be back to my regular posting some time next week when we get back to the daily grind!

My Glimpse of the Future

My youngest baby is now 2, yet I still have people (me included) who will blame my weight on having kids. There are plenty of people who have had way more kids than me and they aren't fat. I was getting fat before I had kids, and I've had plenty of time to lose my "baby weight". At some point baby weight just becomes weight that needs to be lost. I believe I have reached that status.

My weight has increased steadily for the past decade. I realize that it will continue to increase with each year as my metabolism slows and my fat ass moves around less and less(boy do I wish I could parlay that into some extra height). Basically if I continue wallowing in my self pity and complaining that it's too hard to make a change, I can expect to be pushing 200 (or more) by the time I've reached my 40's and possibly 300 by the time I'm in my 50's (and believe me I know how real this is...my mother followed this very trend).

So I'd be fooling myself if I thought I would just be THIS weight for the rest of my life if I didn't do anything. Even if that were the case I'd still be miserable. But the reality is each year that goes by our bodies and metabolism become less and less efficient so we will gain weight just because of this (unless we do something to fight it).

I can see my future and cringe at the thought...and yet all it does is make me want to hide under the blankets with a bag of chips =(

My Weekend Wake Up

Hello, my name is Smushpants and I am a sugar addict!

If you ever want to read about how food affects your brain chemistry pick up the book Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons, Ph.D. You could also check out the Radiant Recovery link on my link list to find out about sugar addiction and what her program is all about.

Now on to my weekend. Saturday night I hung out with a good friend of mine from college. She had some other friends visiting which made for a nice little gathering. Good people, nice conversation and of course lots of snackable type things. You would have thought they put crack out on the plates though because I don't think I went more than 5 minutes without stuffing something in my mouth the whole 5 hours I was there.

The conversation at one point focued on food and one of the other guests said something along the lines of "Life is too short to not enjoy the things I like. I'd rather be happy and eat what I want than feel deprived and but live a longer life." Now I completely understand this philosophy, really I do. But it made me realize something about myself.

I am not like her or any "normal" person. I abuse myself with food. Yes I use it as comfort, but I am realizing that I also use it as a means of punishment. I am addicted, so having that one bite of my favorite pleasure is not going to satisfy my desire for it as it might for someone who doesn't have this problem. For me, it's going to make me crave more. More I will eat, but never will I feel satisified, though I will surely feel guilt, shame and physical discomfort (that's where the punishment aspect comes in to play). For me, allowing myself to have that treat is like telling an alcoholic it's okay to have 1 glass of beer or wine at the party because life is too short not to have fun.

Food for me is really a false pleasure anyway. The hours of bad emotions and belly aching I will endure for allowing myself to "have fun" will not be worth the 2 seconds of pleasure I felt when inhaling whatever it was that I was after. A normal person might view an all or nothing approach for certain foods as severe, but I know myself and realize that I am not like "normal" people. It's what I'm going to need to do if I want to make a real change in myself.

My Health Report

I got the lab results back from my physical a few weeks ago. Apparantly I am "healthy". Here was my breakdown:

Cholesterol was 141
LDL (Bad Cholesterol) was 83
HDL (Good Cholesterol) was 43
Tryglycerides 77
Blood Sugar 93

Good was checked next to cholesterol overall, I guess because my number was less than 200. Technically speaking,though, my good cholesterol is on the low side (less than 50 mg/dL for women is considered low according to the American Heart Association and to be considered "protective against heart disease" it should really be above 60).

The ratio between overall cholesterol to HDL is even more important than the overall number alone. The smaller the difference the better according to The Harvard Medical School Family Guide. My ratio is 3.3 so I am at about half the average risk going by just my numbers alone. Which is good, I am happy to see that.

Still I am not content to sit back, kick my feet up and think I don't have to work at my health. Emotional health (I believe) has a profound impact on your physical health. So even if my weight did nothing more than make me depressed, it's reason enough to do something about it.

However, I do realize that there is more going on with my weight than the fact that it makes me sad. I am winded by small amounts of normal behavior, I'm tired a LOT, playing with my children totally wipes me out to the point that I feel I hold them back from the proper amount of activity they should be having, my knees hurt...all due to my weight. That to me isn't the sign of a healthy person. And I'm not so naieve to believe that all because my genetics may be on my side as far as my cholesterol goes, that my weight does not pose an additional risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes. One risk does not get nullified by another. Weight is still a risk factor.

So yes, I've got a clean bill of health. But health is not something that just happens to us. My blood sugar and cholesterol may be okay now, but if I take that as a free pass to neglect watching myself it might not be that way next year (or however long it takes to catch up). We have the power to improve or degrade our health by how we live our lives, and so I will continue to work on mine even though my numbers came back as "normal". I have enough excuses to keep me from taking care of myself, I'm not going to use good test scores as another one.

My Former Fat Girl Review

I was finally able to finish my book Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney. It was as awesome as my first impression thought it would be!

The book is her personal journey to becoming a Former Fat Girl. It was a journey of discovery and self realization. One that took years to make and started with a simple desire to do something good for herself. Over time it took her to a place she never dreamed she'd end up both physically and emotionally. It was inspiring.

She tells it like it is. Nothing is sugar coated, though she is very candid and totally makes you feel like you can do anything you want to. She gives tips and advice on how to handle certain situations along the way which seem solid. She even coaches you on what to do after you've acheived your "Former Fat Girl" status.

What I liked so much about this book is that it wasn't a diet/exercise plan. We all know the formula to losing weight...eat less calories than you burn. We know what foods are healthy and that exercise does great things for our bodies. She gets that we already know that because she was once the same way. What she addresses is the emotional aspect of the process. And if you think about it, that's what really holds a lot of us back. The belief that we are too weak to make a change, that our bodies were just meant to be fat, that we will eventually fall off the wagon like we always do anyway. Losing weight, at least for me, is more about what's going on in my head than it is about knowing how to eat. She made me feel like I can overcome the years (okay decades) of negative thinking and misuse of food as long as I believed I was worth working for.

So I highly recommend this book to anyone who can use an emotional pep talk! The changes she made not only helped her to lose weight, but also helped her in her career and personal life as well because they enabled her to become the self confident, happy, outgoing girl she always wanted to be. And that's really what I'm after!