My inner voices

One symptom of those with eating disorders is low self esteem. I am no stranger to this. I may hide it well sometimes,even to myself, but in reality I think very little of myself and my abilities.

Way before I ever became a "fat girl" I had a fat girl mentality. I put everyone's needs above my own, I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the cheerleader for everyone else, but never once expected any of this in return. My interests included helping others attain their goals while I let mine fall by the wayside. I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it so I suffered silently thinking everyone else's issues were more important than my own and wrote bad poetry to soothe myself. It was around this time of my life that I became bulimic.

This whole frame of mind got worse as I got older. When I made it to college, I had a chance to start fresh and find myself. Instead, I clung for dear life to old habits and lost myself even more. Instead of developing my own personality and interests, I latched on to my boyfriend and became an extension of his.

I forced myself to stay safely in an emotional cocoon by shutting myself off to anything beyond my boyfriend and handful of close friends. I was terrified of becoming my own person. What if I did something stupid, or no one liked me, or worse, I failed. My thoughts were, if there was even a remote chance I would fail at something I shouldn't bother trying.

It was less scary to watch life from the sidelines instead of living it like everyone else, but it was not nearly as fulfilling. I was sad and angry at myself for being this way and so I started eating to avoid dealing with those emotions. Only this time I stopped purging due to my boyfriend's concerns for my health (he was the first person I'd confided in about my eating). That's when I started getting fat. Eating not only dulled the emotions but also built a physical wall which I was able to use as an excuse to hide. I can't do ____ I'm fat! No one wants to be friends with you...or so the voices in my head would remind me.

I eventually married that boyfriend even though deep down I couldn't understand why he really wanted to be with me. He has been a continual souce of positive energy in my life and proved himself to be the best husband and father anyone can ask for. I am grateful, and yet feel like I don't deserve him.

It wasn't until I had kids though, that I was forced to dig deep inside myself. It's totally cliche, but they really do make me want to be a better person. Becoming a mother, especially for the first time, is HARD! It's scary, exhausting, emotional and if you don't do a good job the consequences are so tremendous. Yet, not only did I take that responsibility on, I also took on the role of supporter for other first time parents dealing with some hard times. Again other people's needs before my own (still didn't know how to ask for help myself) and yes helping them deal with their issues kept me from focusing on my own, but this time the outcome was a little different. Becoming a parent was without a doubt the single most important and difficult task I had ever undertaken. But I did it, and I did it well! I started to realize that even though something was hard, I was able to do it.

No one goes into parenthood realizing the awesome responsibility it holds. Even the most prepared people don't really understand just how it's going to affect them until they experience it (I thought I had it all figured out until I was put to the test!). It's probably a good thing that I had no idea otherwise I might not have thought I was able to handle such a responsibility. Not having the option to quit when things got hard made me realize that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, even if do struggle along the way.

So while the experience has been eye opening, one doesn't simply throw old habits to the wind. I am learning that I have more potential than I thought. It's still scary and difficult, but I'm also learning that some things are worth the risk and effort. But, the biggest thing that I've learned is that the only difference between me and the women who are successful in what they do is that they believe in themselves and that they deserve to be happy.

My husband always told me that when I was really set on doing something I always managed to make it happen. I suppose I just have reprogram the voice in my head to say, "it's hard, but you can do this" and "sure you're fat, but your health and happieness are still worth working for".

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
-Anias Nin

Fat Princess

Okay everyone, time to get a little controversial!

I logged onto my computer this morning and saw this article staring me in the face. I thought it would make a good discussion topic!

So, do YOU think that Sony crossed a line with this? Here's what I think.

While I think there are better games Sony could have created, I am not personally offended by this video game just because I am a fat person. In fact, my first reaction was to chuckle to myself a bit. I mean if you stuff yourself with cake you are going to become tired, fat and hard to move! But then I am a person who is able to (or at the very least is learning to) poke a little fun at myself and life.

There are two ways someone can look at this silly game. On one hand, it could be taken as an attack against fat people and a means of "creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative ---holes" (though I wonder if these feminist groups would have gotten as upset if the character were a Fat King? After all fat hating is fat hating weather it's man or woman right?) Or, one can look at it as a humorous way of raising awareness of one of our country's biggest problems (yes pun intended). Sometimes a stupid depiction of something can make us realize that while we might not like it, a change in how we live our lives is necessary.

I mean hell, if I find myself stuck in the kitchen eating a whole cake (which I've been known to do) I know I'll gain weight and won't be able to run after my little minions as well as I should be able to! And you never know, it might make the couch potato kid playing this game think twice about his or her food choices. Maybe it will motivate him or her to put down the sweets and go outside to play so they don't end up becoming a "fat princess" themselves. Coming from a parent, "No cake, go out and play," would sound like a nag. Even worse is the growing number of parents that don't even bother teaching their kids about health or nutrition because they don't want to have to change their own unhealthy habits. But what if a game like this actually helps some kids to make a connection for themselves via a medium they relate to? That could end up sending a powerful, and in that case positive message.

And from a feminist standpoint, I'd think they'd be more upset by the fact that they are using the princess as the flag or prize to be captured than they would be about her being fat. You eat a ton of cake you get fat, that's fact. But isn't it worse to imply that women are trophies to be captured?

So what do you think? Are you offended? Not offended? Think it's funny, mean or just plain stupid? I'd love to know what you guys think.

My Big Old Rut

This week has been a particularly hard one as far as eating is concerned. And it's not like I had any major stressors hanging over my head. Not any that I'm aware of anyway.

In fact, it was quite the opposite. We had some fun stuff to do this week which always perks me up (staying home all day everyday with the kids can be tough at times). We got some wonderful news from my SIL (I'm going to be an aunt!). It was a pretty pressure free, happy week.

My weekend was just as great. I spent it getting some much needed time to socialize. With that socialization though came three days of binge worthy food. LOTS of binge worthy food. And boy did I dive in. I was so stuffed and physically uncomfortable by Sunday night that I was actually turned off to the thought of food (quite a rare thing for me!).

Then this morning came. My intention was to start fresh. I was hungry. I didn't crave the healthy organic oatmeal and blueberries that I had made for the kids and was supposed to eat myself. I wanted a hotdog and some cake...you'd think I'd be sick of that stuff already. I'm sick of craving this stuff. I wish there was a switch I could flick and shut of my desire for certain foods.

Do you ever get to a point where you stop craving the bad stuff? I mean after you've managed to get yourself at a place where eating is under control and the weight comes off? Do you still have to battle every day weather or not to eat that hot dog? Right now I feel so weak.

Binge Eater vs Compulsive Overeater??

Okay, I've been a little unclear as far as the differences of Binge Eating Disorder verses Compulsive Overeating Disorder. So I started doing some research on the two and came up with this article from Psychology Today.

According to this, Binge eaters and Compulsive Overeaters are one in the same. Here's where my confusion set it. I generally don't have binges as often as they say (1-2 times a week), but I exhibit all of the other things associated with Compulsive Overeaters. Maybe I'm in denial about the amount of food I eat and how often I am eating through out the day?

Throughout my week, I will often eat to deal with stress and avoid emotion. I experience all the guilt and bad feelings that accompany the eating. Even when I'm eating a "healthy" dinner, I will eat past the point of being full. I eat fast. I eat in seclusion and have been know to lie about the amount or type of food I ate. And I rarely ever feel I have control over myself when it comes to eating.

Though a true binge, or what I consider to be one anyway, seems to be reserved for special events where there will be lots of food available, coming off a diet or a period of "being good", or when things get especially stressful and I just can't deal (like I've been doing this week). I suppose it's like an alcoholic saying they just have a drink once in a while. I obviously have problems with my eating. Weather or not I binge as often as the next guy doesn't change the fact that I have a problem.

My New Book

After dropping my oldest off at camp today I scooted over to Barnes and Noble to look for a new book (I was caught waiting a half hour for her to get out last week with no book, it was terrible!). My youngest was napping soundly in her stroller so I was able to peruse the sections I wanted to before having to hit the Thomas the Tank Engine table in the kid's section.

Of course I headed straight to the diet section. I was trying to find anything that promoted a natural, whole food way of eating/detoxing/weight loss. I picked up The Gut Flush and The Fat Flush by Ann Louise Gittleman. Interesting, but I'm not quite there yet. I might need to revisit them in time. Anyone out there try this system at all??? If so any feed back?? I am curious.

Anyway, then I move over to the self help section to look for books on compulsive over eating and binge eating disorder. I am somewhat in denial when it comes to this stuff. As a teen I went through the binge and purge deal. The purging tapered off but I'm not so sure I'd consider myself a true binger these days. I tend to do that mostly after I'm coming off some diet plan that didn't work. The binging kind of morphed into compulsive overeating such as what I did when my in-laws came over. I know that I do this, but never really considered it an "eating disorder" per say. No, I just considered it being fat and lazy. I've read enough books to know that I fit the profile of a food/sugar addict and a compulsive eater and realize it is a real problem, but still I just never classified myself as such. I guess that's what denial is all about. Yet somewhere deep down I continue to arm myself with information in this area in the event that one day I am able to make amends with myself and actually confront my issues.

Anyway, There were all the text book like books, the ones written by doctors and psychiatrists and such. Nothing particularly struck me in this section. Then I came across a narrative type book, Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. How to Drop Two, Four (or More!) Dress Sizes-and Find Yourself Along the Way. BINGO, just what I was looking for.

I'm past the quarter mark and not quite mid-life, but I've been going through some type of life crisis these days. That's a whole other post though. Anyway, losing weight and finding myself in a personal story written by a regular girl who went through this sounded perfect. So I paid my money and off I went to pick up my daughter from camp.

I was a half hour early again, but it was good because I wanted to start on my book and knew I would have no time for it once I got home with the kids. I almost started crying as I read through the Introduction. There were so many eerie parallels, it was as if she was writing this about me. In fact, she has written the book that I always dreamed of writing...a book based on some personal triumph. Even her style of writing is fun and how I'd want it to be. But most of all it spoke to me. My life, my thoughts and fears, my hopes and dreams.

So anyone out there looking for a good book on how one chick overcame her Fat Girl mentality and took control back over her life, I highly recommend this one even though I only read through the introduction! I have that much faith that the rest of it is going to be just as good. I'll let you all know....

My Upset Stomach

Yesterday was such a great day. We spent most of it at the pool, which was quite a work out. Treading water in the deep end takes a lot of work! I was so motivated about having such a great day that even after we came home, I did my usual walk on the treadmill.

Today though, I feel like crap and so I have started out on a bad foot. My stomach is still in knots from the unhealthy breakfast and lunch I ate, yet right now all I want is some cookies or a brownie or something. I feel like crying or just going to sleep (which I can't do unless I want my little ones to trash my house and/or themselves). It's already 1:30 pm and we have not yet gotten dressed. Motivation to do anything is nonexistent.

How can I go from such a good day to the complete opposite? I feel like Jekyl and Hyde.

My Doctor's Visit

I so wish Zach Braff was my doctor!

My yearly physical was yesterday. Everything seems to be in good order (pending my bloodwork comes back alright). Of course the doctor had to pull out those wonderful weight charts. I felt like a kid who was about to get scolded for eating candy before dinner.

The kicker of the whole thing was that I found out that I am indeed NOT 5 foot 2 inches. No, I am only 5 foot 1 inch which makes my BMI even higher than I thought and just enough to push me into the obese category. Freaking WONDERFUL!

I have to say that this doctor was very gentle in how she brought up and discussed the topic with me. That's one reason I prefer to see a woman doctor. They kind of get it a little more. She was probably a few years older than me and has kids herself. Even though she is thin, she still kind of knows what it's like. Not like some male doctors who have no idea what my day to day life is all about or what it feels like to be a hormonal, hungry woman. She spoke to me gently and respectfully and so I will keep her as my primary care physician even though she is no Dr. JD Dorian!

She would like for me to aim to get back down to the low 140's to start, which is where I was before I got pregnant. I almost made it back down to that point last year when I was doing Weight Watchers (WW). I know she's right, I need to really watch myself now as I get older and already am at an increased risk for certain illnesses. I guess it was good too, kind of gave me some motivation to keep going (even though I really just started!)

She talked to me about binge eating a little bit. Something I am very guitly of when I am dieting. When I watch what I eat I can do well for certain periods of time, but then fall off the wagon and fall HARD. She suggested instead of denying myself certain foods to allow myself smaller portions of things I want so I don't feel deprived. I've tried that though. When I do it that way, the food addict in me comes out and that small portion is not enough. I start to crave more of whatever I had. I think I'm better off completely cutting some things out. So I don't know, I'll have to find the right balance on my own.

I do need to get on top of the exercise though. So far I've gotten my walking in everyday, but I know I am going to have to do more soon if I really want to get in shape.

My Gestational Diabetes

So I think it's time to give you all a little more insight as to what I'm all about. Yes, I desperately want to get these 50 pounds off my body. However that's not my only focus. I also want to get healthy, maybe more than than I want to be thin. I am a big fan of natural health and a firm believer that we are what we eat.

During both my pregnancies I developed gestational diabetes. That's when my study into health and nutrition began. Diet alone was enough for me to keep my diabetes under control and my babies healthy. That was my first hand experience that our diets and lifestyle (they made me exercise too) have a profound effect on our health.

When I went for my first appointment at the diabetes center, I was told by the nutritionist (who ironically was a lot fatter than me) not to worry as long as I follow the diet. She told me that most people who end up needing insulin do so because they don't want to be bothered to follow the diet correctly. That was kind of alarming, so I made sure to follow the program (and I do admit it got hard at times). I even took it one step further and started doing a lot of research on diabetes and nutrition. The fat lady at the diabetes center told me about eating the right ratio of protien, carbs and fat at each meal and about eating at certain times and such, but she still propagated an unhealthy way of eating. Somehow I just didn't believe that a Sausage McMuffin was a good breakfast for someone who has made themselves sick by eating crap. Oh, they tried to give me the line that it wasn't my fault that I developed diabetes. That somewhere in my family runs this disease and that's why I have it. And so as I ate my first Sausage McMuffin on the way to work I thought, that's a bunch of BS! Even with the predisposition to the disease, I wouldn't have developed it if I had eaten a diet rich in whole natural foods and went for a freaking walk once in a while. It was my diet of refined carbs and junk food and my couch potato lifestyle that made me fat and made my body unable to metabolize the excess amounts of glucose I was pumping into it.

That was just the beginning of my nutritional crusade. After each kid was born I got on my horse to lose weight. Last year I even had a pretty sucessful bout until I fell off the wagon. We'll get to that part of the story in time. I started slacking on all this, so I really let myself slide. I see a difference in my kids too. My youngest (who's now 2) is already developing my bad eating habits and I can't get her to eat any vegetables at all. My mom says paybacks are a bitch...apparantly I was like that as a child.

Anyway, I know that taking in less calories than I burn will yield a net weight loss. That's not enough for me. I am looking for a diet (lifestyle or whatever you want to call it) that will address my body's health concerns and not only allow me to lose weight, but also improve my overall health. So come back and visit if you are at all interested in a natural way of losing weight. I will share not only my personal story, but any valuable information I learn along the way! And of course I would love to hear from anyone else who has information or experiences to share!

My Do Over!

So I think I finally got everything out of my system yesterday. I ate all the left over crap food we had in the house. Today is grocery shopping day so I am going to try and make a meal plan and buy my food according to that. That tends to help me stay on course.

My house is still clean which is a huge help mentally. I seem to not be able to function normally when my house is a mess. An overwhelming desire to throw myself on the couch and become part of the mess takes over.

It looks like a beautiful day outside too. Perhaps it will motivate me to spend time outside which means I'll be doing more physical stuff. Another plus!

I feel like I got a "do over" now after that bad weekend! I decided to skip the weigh in this morning because I didn't want to get into the "I'm already defeated" mindset. It was a good thing too because now I am excited to making some progress. I drank my water, ate a good breakfast and am actually looking forward to my walk today! YAY!

My Cake

I succumbed to the cake...and the sausage and peppers and the bread and the chips and dip.

My in-laws came for a visit yesterday. It was a fairly pleasant visit, yet there's always some underlying stress associated with them (could you imagine, stressful in-laws!) And I am a hard core stress eater, so not a good combo.

Looking back on my behavior I could see how I nervously shoved food in my mouth all day long. Some people have a drink to calm the nerves, I just eat. It's really terrible. It's like a compulsion and I am helpless to it.

The very worst part though is that once I get into a mode like that, I go into a tailspin. I just want more even though the stress is gone. Maybe now I'm stressed out because I ate so much and that stress is making me want to reach for more food to comfort myself. Food is my drug.

So I am frustrated today because I don't know how to break this. Maybe I should be focusing on my exercise first and once that falls into place I'll be more inclined to really focus on my diet.

How do normal people deal with stress?

My Goals

My weight at the beginning of this venture was a whopping 160.2 pounds (and I am only 5'2, ACK!). I'm only 3 days into my journey, but decided to weigh in just to see if I've made any progress. According to my scale I am down 3 pounds. That was a pleasant surprise, YAY ME!

I did it by walking, drinking lots of water and trying to watch my portions. I'm proud of my progress, but it was a very hard 3 days. Last night I wanted cake. REALLY badly. Normally sweets aren't my thing, but last night I had such a strong craving. Luckily we didn't have anything in the house and my husband was home so I didn't want to sneak out on a food run (I actually do that sometimes, it's really terrible). Anyway, I did buy myself Cracker Jacks today though. They are sweet enough to satisfy my sugar craving without adding so many calories. I think I remember a bag being only about 2 points on Weight Watchers (WW). As long as it doesn't make me crave more I'm good!

So lets see, I think I should set some goals. Ultimately I would like to get back down to the 110-115 range. That's a long way off though! So my first goal would be to lose 10% of my current weight (stole that from WW as well!) which would be 16 pounds. Once I reach that, I will make a new "mini goal".

My Turning Point

So why start my battle now you ask?

Well, it started about a month ago. My BIL got married and I was having a hard time finding something to wear. It's not often I get to dress up like a real adult and go out these days, so I wanted to make the most of it. I found the perfect dress. It was stylish, slimming for my shape and they HAD MY SIZE!! Shoe shopping was even easier. There was this sexy pair of hot pink high heels that were a perfect match. I got myself all dressed up and ready to go, and dare I say for once I actually felt pretty again.

We had a great time at the wedding. A friend of ours snapped a bunch of pictures and sent them to us a couple days later. I was HORRIFIED at what I saw. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide. Embarassment took over me as I thought about what my fat butt must have looked like moving all around that dance floor. People must have been looking at my husband and thinking, "Poor guy to have such a fat wife." Even my feet looked fat in my sexy shoes. UGH, what on Earth would ever make me think that I could pull off any kind of sexy? I must have looked so foolish. I felt so ashamed.

And so...

That wasn't even enough to kick my butt into shape. I ate my way through the next couple of weeks. Irrational I know, but I got caught in the cycle. We went to visit friends for 4th of July weekend. The same girl was snapping pictures of everyone (she's a professional photographer). It was those pictures that really got to me. I didn't even recognize the person in the photographs. My family looked so beautiful and happy, and I was like a big fat blemish in the middle of it. I realized that all our famly photos revolve around the kids. I try not to be in them. How sad. I'm so ashamed of myself that I want to delete myself from our memories. I remembered how embarassed I was of my mom when I was a kid and didn't want my children to feel that way about me. Most of all though, I'm scared of leading them down this road. It would kill me to know that in 30 years from now they are struggling with all this just because I couldn't pull myself together enough to instill good health and nutrition in them while they are young.

It's not enough to teach it though, I have to be a role model. I can't make a run to the fast food drive thru, order something for myself and expect them to snack on carrot sticks. No, I need to live it with them. I need to get myself healthy so I can run around with them and not feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I want to be part of their memories and enjoy looking at pictures of all of us instead of watching from the sidelines. I want my husband to look at me the way he used to...or maybe more importantly I want to feel the way I used to before I gained the weight.

So here in starts my efforts. I wish I could say I am confident enough in my resolve to make it work this time. I'm scared though, that I am too far gone to get back to what I think I should be.

My Introduction

Where do I even begin???

Well, I'm a short Italian chick in my early 30's with about 50 pounds to lose. A hard task considering I grew up with the mentality that whatever you ate it wasn't enough, and what I did eat was a ton of pasta, cheese and bread. I hated vegetables or anything even remotely considered "diet friendly". My family breaded and fried just about anything they could and to this day I still love fried foods and refined carbs.

I wasn't always this way though. It wasn't until I became an adult that I started packing on the pounds. My activity level became non existent and eating became sport. As life started to get more stressful, food became my comfort. I also inherited those great Italian mother genes which enable me to gain weight just by thinking about or looking at food. Not exactly the super power I dreamed about having as a kid!

And of course it doesn't help that I'm so short. 50 pounds spread across a tall person doesn't look quite as bad, but on a short person it looks more like 100 pounds because it's all condensed. It's like a mean optical illusion!

So anyway, here I am...short, fat and ready to take back my body. I will prevail in "My Big Fat Battle!"