My Bad Behavior

Well friends, I feel like I am winning the battle but losing the war. I have been faithful to my sticker chart which is tremendous progress for me. Today was really great. After I dropped my oldest at school I did my walk outside in this beautiful weather while pushing my 2 year old in the stroller. Holy cow what a difference a little resistence and some hills make! I felt good though, and very happy to be outside. It might be easier to track my progress on the treadmill, but my basement is much less scenic and there's just a little less pleasure when you're doing all that walking, but you never get to go anywhere!

However, I have been highly stressed out lately. Some of it just regular life with two kids stuff (my oldest is testing her limits these days and my youngest decided she doesn't like to go to sleep when it's bedtime), but there's more to the stress, a certain kind of urgency that I have yet to pinpoint the source of. So my hair is fallig out and I've been stuffing myself with food. Even if I do well getting through a day, I tend to fall apart at night.

I'm not quite as hungry during the days since I started eating breakfast, but my eating obvisiously ignores all hunger/fullness signals. Fast food is my biggest vice and all it took was one taste of it before I fell into all out junkie mode. Let me paint you a picture....

My youngest is sick and very cranky. My husband gets home a little late. When he gets in I offer to take my oldest out (she's been getting nuts from hearing the little one complain all day). Of course we stop for a quick bite to eat since there was no formal dinner that night. My daughter eats 1 quarter of the personal pizza from Pizza Hut express and is more interested in the icee it came with (she snacked before we left the house). I, on the other hand, inhale the rest of the pizza. We make it home and my husband asked if we brought back any food. I offer to run out and get him whatever he wanted. He's been trying to eat healtheir these days, but tonight he requested The Baconator from Wendy's. Of course I couldn't go there and not get myself a little something, so even though I was full I ate another cheeseburger and a side of chicken nuggets. I was disguested with myself. I considered using my old behaviors to rid myself of the garbage I ate, but I held strong and forced myself through my workout that evening.

One taste of a fast food hamburger and that was it for me though. I wanted more. I NEEDED more. It's the end of the payweek though and so I had only 2 dollars left in my wallet. So what do I do? I STOLE some cash from the drawer I've been socking extra money away for a special trip we are taking the kids on this month. I had put an extra $5 in there recently to put towards gas and now I was sneaking it out of the drawer while my husband was playing with the kids and making a secret run to Wendy's on my way to return a movie. I can't even explain the shame I felt when it was all said and done. That night, after about a year and a half of staying strong, I finally succumbed to the urge of using my old behaviors to try to undo what I had just done.

So here I sit this morning, proud of myself as I add the newest sticker to my chart this morning, but really I just feel like it's all just a lost cause.