My inner voices

One symptom of those with eating disorders is low self esteem. I am no stranger to this. I may hide it well sometimes,even to myself, but in reality I think very little of myself and my abilities.

Way before I ever became a "fat girl" I had a fat girl mentality. I put everyone's needs above my own, I was the support, the shoulder to cry on, the cheerleader for everyone else, but never once expected any of this in return. My interests included helping others attain their goals while I let mine fall by the wayside. I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it so I suffered silently thinking everyone else's issues were more important than my own and wrote bad poetry to soothe myself. It was around this time of my life that I became bulimic.

This whole frame of mind got worse as I got older. When I made it to college, I had a chance to start fresh and find myself. Instead, I clung for dear life to old habits and lost myself even more. Instead of developing my own personality and interests, I latched on to my boyfriend and became an extension of his.

I forced myself to stay safely in an emotional cocoon by shutting myself off to anything beyond my boyfriend and handful of close friends. I was terrified of becoming my own person. What if I did something stupid, or no one liked me, or worse, I failed. My thoughts were, if there was even a remote chance I would fail at something I shouldn't bother trying.

It was less scary to watch life from the sidelines instead of living it like everyone else, but it was not nearly as fulfilling. I was sad and angry at myself for being this way and so I started eating to avoid dealing with those emotions. Only this time I stopped purging due to my boyfriend's concerns for my health (he was the first person I'd confided in about my eating). That's when I started getting fat. Eating not only dulled the emotions but also built a physical wall which I was able to use as an excuse to hide. I can't do ____ I'm fat! No one wants to be friends with you...or so the voices in my head would remind me.

I eventually married that boyfriend even though deep down I couldn't understand why he really wanted to be with me. He has been a continual souce of positive energy in my life and proved himself to be the best husband and father anyone can ask for. I am grateful, and yet feel like I don't deserve him.

It wasn't until I had kids though, that I was forced to dig deep inside myself. It's totally cliche, but they really do make me want to be a better person. Becoming a mother, especially for the first time, is HARD! It's scary, exhausting, emotional and if you don't do a good job the consequences are so tremendous. Yet, not only did I take that responsibility on, I also took on the role of supporter for other first time parents dealing with some hard times. Again other people's needs before my own (still didn't know how to ask for help myself) and yes helping them deal with their issues kept me from focusing on my own, but this time the outcome was a little different. Becoming a parent was without a doubt the single most important and difficult task I had ever undertaken. But I did it, and I did it well! I started to realize that even though something was hard, I was able to do it.

No one goes into parenthood realizing the awesome responsibility it holds. Even the most prepared people don't really understand just how it's going to affect them until they experience it (I thought I had it all figured out until I was put to the test!). It's probably a good thing that I had no idea otherwise I might not have thought I was able to handle such a responsibility. Not having the option to quit when things got hard made me realize that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, even if do struggle along the way.

So while the experience has been eye opening, one doesn't simply throw old habits to the wind. I am learning that I have more potential than I thought. It's still scary and difficult, but I'm also learning that some things are worth the risk and effort. But, the biggest thing that I've learned is that the only difference between me and the women who are successful in what they do is that they believe in themselves and that they deserve to be happy.

My husband always told me that when I was really set on doing something I always managed to make it happen. I suppose I just have reprogram the voice in my head to say, "it's hard, but you can do this" and "sure you're fat, but your health and happieness are still worth working for".

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
-Anias Nin